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No Flying at The Airport Melvin Durai Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer and humorist. Born in Tamil Nadu, India, he grew up in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. In 1995, while working as a reporter for a daily newspaper in Chambersburg, Pa., he began writing a regular humor column. His weekly column now appears in several newspapers and on a number of Web sites. He also writes a twice-monthly column on Indian and Indian-American issues. He is a diehard fan of the National Football League and also likes to run, lift weights and play soccer, tennis and pool. An award-winning feature writer and aspiring novelist, he plans to publish a collection of his best columns. You can write to him at comments@melvindurai.com To read his older columns, go to http://www.melvindurai.com

The Airports Authority of India (AAI) maintains 125 airports, about one for every eight million people. At first glance, that seems reasonable, but I know exactly what to expect if I try to use a smaller airport, such as the one in Jabalpur.

Me: "I'd like to go to Delhi, please."

Airport Clerk: "Yes, we would all like to go to Delhi. But we are stuck in Jabalpur. That's life. What to do?"

Me: "No, I'd like to buy a ticket to Delhi."

Clerk: "Sorry, sir, no tickets here. If you need ticket, you must go to bus station."

Me: "No, I want to FLY to Delhi. Can I fly from here? Or has the bus station started offering flights? Perhaps Indian Airlines has installed wings on some of the buses. I hear they're very eager to make airbuses in India."

Clerk: "No, no, no. All flying is to be done here. We are first-class commercial airport. We have everything: a lounge, toilets, coffee shop. And look -- even a runway! But there is only one minor problem: the government did not provide us with planes. You need to bring your own. Any plane is acceptable, even one that's made in Pakistan."

Me: "But you're a commercial airport, so you do have a few flights, don't you?"

Clerk: "Yes, sir, we do have a few flights. But the flights are being conducted mainly by crows. And other birds, too. They love the runway. Look -- it is a beautiful runway, sir. We are proud to say, here in Jabalpur, we have more air traffic than JFK Airport in New York."

Me: "You mean you have no commercial flights? That's crazy. What good is a commercial airport without commercial flights?"

Clerk: "Emergency landings, sir. If a plane is in trouble and needs to land, we are ready to help. And if that plane is going to Delhi, we will let you know immediately. Most certainly. Just leave your telephone number with me."

For the record, Jabalpur does have a few planes, but they belong to the Air Force. The government spent Rs. 8 crore in 2001 to transform Jabalpur's defense airstrip into a commercial airport, only to watch Indian Airlines suspend its flights a year later because -- big surprise here -- Jabalpur isn't a prime destination.

Likewise, 45 of the 125 airports are no-flight zones, but cost AAI almost Rs. 45 crore a year, according to a recent India Today article. Each airport, of course, made some politician very happy, delighted that he could bring the miracle of flight to his people. Did he do a study to determine the demand for air travel? Yes, he interviewed a few people in the Ministry of Waste and Excess.

Only 11 airports are profitable -- and those airports have to absorb losses from 114 others. That explains why the international airports in Mumbai and Delhi, despite annual profits of nearly Rs. 400 crore, haven't been upgraded since Salman Rushdie had hair. So don't be surprised if the escalators don't move, the trolleys don't roll, and the aerobridges don't exist.

Tourist: "My luggage is very heavy. Do you have any carts that work?"

Airport worker: "Carts that work? Where do you think you are? Jabalpur?"

For an email subscription to Melvin's regular weekly columns (not the ones that appear here), go to www.MelvinDurai.com

Cartoon Copyright © Sudeep Ross

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