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Can't We do Something About The Snow? By- Melvin Durai Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer and humorist. Born in Tamil Nadu, India, he grew up in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. In 1995, while working as a reporter for a daily newspaper in Chambersburg, Pa., he began writing a regular humor column. His weekly column now appears in several newspapers and on a number of Web sites. He also writes a twice-monthly column on Indian and Indian-American issues. He is a diehard fan of the National Football League and also likes to run, lift weights and play soccer, tennis and pool. An award-winning feature writer and aspiring novelist, he plans to publish a collection of his best columns. You can write to him at comments@melvindurai.com To read his older columns, go to http://www.melvindurai.com

Now that the election mess is behind us, it's time to focus on another problem facing Democrats and Republicans alike: snow. It seems to be everywhere: Indiana, Pennsylvania, New York, even North Carolina. Why, just the other day, an inch of snow fell in Atlanta. And now they're dreaming about hosting the Winter Olympics.

In some parts of the country, it hadn't snowed in years. Imagine the young daughter of a southern farmer running indoors to tell her mother about the snow:

Daughter: "Mama, there's some white stuff falling down."

Mother: "Sweetheart, how many times have I told you not to make fun of your papa's dandruff? You know he likes to buy generic shampoo."

Daughter: "No, Mama, it's much lighter than Papa's dandruff. Please give me a bowl. I think God has finally answered my prayers. No more grits for breakfast -- we're having Frosted Flakes."

It's nice to know that some Southerners are enduring snow. Every winter, those of us crazy enough to live in the north have to struggle with snow, as well as temperatures so low, some baseball players spit out ice. And every winter, the same question keeps popping into my head: Is there any way to speed up global warming?

I'm tired of dealing with snow, tired of having to defrost, on a daily basis, my brain. There's so much snow and ice outside my home that I'm seriously thinking of hibernating. If animals can do it, why can't I? I'm sure I could stay in bed for a couple of months. I'd just need to leave a short, but important note for my wife: "Happy New Year, honey. Please wake me up for the Super Bowl."

I've lived in America for almost two decades, yet still haven't gotten used to the frigid weather. But thankfully, I'm trying to evolve. Over the last few years, I've grown a mustache, a beard, and a protective layer of blubber. The next step is to rub some Rogaine on my back. If you happen to see abear in your neighborhood, please don't shoot. It could be me.

The first time I saw snow, I loved it. But that was before I realized I'd have to shovel it. Now I want it to melt away as fast as Oprah's thighs. I can't understand why people wish for a white Christmas. I want a white Christmas as much as I want white hair. But both seem to be inevitable.

Can't we do anything about it? We can send people to the moon, but we somehow can't find a way to divert all our snow to Japan. That would be only fair, because the Japanese keep sending us stuff.We ought to pass a new law: Japan can't send us cars and crazy toys unless they're willing to take all our snow. That's a trade agreement I'd be willing to support.

I wish our politicians would do something about this. I always thought they were experts on snow jobs. President-elect Bush needs to appoint someone brilliant -- say, retired General H. Norman Swartzkopf -- to a new position: Secretary of Weather Control. If the general could handle the Iraqis in Desert Storm, surely he can take care of my driveway in Snow Storm.

If we can figure out a way to control the weather, we can let everyone vote on it. Except, of course, the people of Florida. If we allowed Floridians to vote, we'd end up with a tie between sunshine and tropical storms. And the sun would demand a recount. Pretty soon, the Supreme Court would be deciding our weather. That could be disastrous. I'd rather leave things up to Mother Nature. At least she's unbiased.

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