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New Jeeves As Bar-Man M J Neela I am a Freelance writer and I work from home. I characterise myself as a post-modern non-linear thinker. I believe each of us should make a contribution to our societies even if just by way of our own unique influences through positive thinking. I am married to an Air Force Officer and I have a seven-year-old son. I hold an M.Phil degree from JNU (New Delhi) in International Politics, but I love to write on a variety of subjects. Issues concerning women and children in today's socio-political realm are of special interest to me.

Evening life and Sundays revolve around the bar in most Fauji stations. More so in this little town. There is nothing much in way of out-door and nightlife. So the bar it is that everyone hits at the stroke of 7.30 in the evening.

A crucial role at the bar is played by the all-important 'Jeeves' behind the counter. He keeps tabs on everyone's drinks and snacks. At the slightest nod of one's head he understands your needs. A refill, extra soda, cigarettes, ashtray, snacks, telephone, "what's the date today?" "Who's the new officer?" so on and so forth. He is indeed the most sought after guy in the Officers' Mess.

On occasional quiet evenings, 'Jeeves' often proves to be a very pleasant companion to talk to. Since most of them retain their prized position behind the counter for donkeys' years, they can often rattle out their acquaintances with present day VIPs or the top brass in fauji circles. So and so General likes his drink this way. When Air Marshall "xy" was here as a Flight Lieutenant, and there after would follow a tale about his younger days.

Above all, they know when discretion is called for and a stiff upper lip is what you'll get if you ask too much. Well theirs is an interesting life. They are the envy of other staff since they are closest to the officers - barring the number 1 cook who is the closest to the senior officers' wives who talk directly to them to sort out menus for parties. A barman who is quick-witted and has a good memory is sure to find favour with the officers. Nevertheless, it is amazing how the man remembers details about each officer even in a strength of over 100 officers. Not only does he remember each ones preferences of drink, he also keeps neat tabs of how much each officer is consuming, so that the right degree of jolt can be provided at the end of the month in the form of a Mess Bill. Even in a full-swing party, meticulous details would be kept. No one ever sees him writing things down. But he keeps track and maintains his records.

Not all stations however, are lucky to have the perfect 'Jeeves'. Take our station for example. A month back, the old barman was replaced by a fresher. A good chap; claims to hold an MA in English from some university in Bihar. Children are doing well for themselves. Overall, a seemingly suitable candidate to adorn the all-important role opposite the barstools.

About half a month of good days suddenly proved otherwise when officers realized that our new 'Jeeves' was courteous and all that, but minus the most important hallmark of a barman. He had an amazingly fickle memory. Officers who came to the station on Temporary Duty were the first to realize the goof-up when after their short stay they were presented with ridiculous Mess Bills.

Non-drinkers were billed for drinks that they never consumed, non-smokers were charged for smoking four packets a day; Rum drinkers were charged for Whiskey and in one case, was charged for consuming both Rum and Whiskey on the same days. If there weren't any money involved, it would have been hilarious. Even so, we did have a good laugh imagining what he must have thought of the officers while he was writing his bar-book. Did it never occur to him that something was wrong in the way he was billing?

Apparently, this new 'Jeeves' thought that as long as he was billing somebody for the things going out of the bar, he was doing the right thing. He could never remember names and so entered a familiar face under any name. One gentleman was pleased to see that he had not been charged for all his drinks until he realized that he was being charged for several packets of Gold Flakes per day. Two officers who had come together on TD had their bills mixed up. Unfortunately for one officer, who was a teetotaler, his pal was a hoochard. When pointed out, our bar-man simply interchanged the bills and said something to the effect of "What's in a name?" Throughout all this our new 'Jeeves' never admitted to not knowing anybody's name.

As it always does, the month-end has arrived and officers of the station are horrified at the mix-ups. Everybody is talking about the new barman who has turned out to be more like Bertie Wooster rather than his able valet 'Jeeves'. We all hope this is the last bar he attends to. He should perhaps be provided with a special badge to be worn by him at all times saying, "barred from the Bar".

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