The Other Woman

Suman Chopra, is well known to Sawf readers for her no nonsense moderate view. Wife of a senior Air Force Officer currently based in Moscow, Suman peroidically steals time from her family and social responsibilities to enrich the Sawf columns with her views.

Ever since Adam ate that forbidden fruit, the man has never been the same again. He has been craning his neck to see the other side of the fence. In spite being happily domesticated and having a cow that milks at home, he has always been looking for greener pastures. Some men do it overtly, while for others it is a covert operation, but practically all have a roving eye. It is not restricted to only the extroverts, because even a bespectacled introvert Nerd could also be running his imagination wild. Who has not seen her husband eyeing a mini-skirted blonde in the market place with a telescopic stare and a well beyond the brotherly intent? The level of mischief or the depth of the affair differs. The wife has a significant role to play in what follows there on. If handled intelligently she can prevent the man from crossing the hump or going astray.

Most of the 'other women' are met at place of work or during social get-togethers. High contact time greatly helps blossoming of the affairs. Mostly they start as non-serious flings, from simple appreciation of beauty, or being extra nice, and sometimes from a show of manliness and male chivalry. While at home, the man gets to see the strengths and weaknesses of the wife at close quarters; outside everyone puts only the best foot forward. Many a times the circumstances, or rather the general scenario at home forces the man to look for a change, a more refreshing environment, and more pleasing and friendly company outside. Some times of course it is a more complex play of power and ego, or success and money, resulting in success strained relationship. The trend is not new. The addictive thrill of the illicit relationship is rather powerful and alluring. It is difficult to clearly identify the reasons why the men so readily cheat on their wives. From preachers to professors, actors to scientists all have fallen victim to such acts or thoughts. The fast paced socio-economic changes of last decade have certainly given a boost and opened more avenues for illicit affairs. Successful men are more likely to have the means, the access, and also the bloated ego. Older men normally want to have relationship with younger women, just to reconfirm that they are still attractive to the opposite sex. Women, for whom security is much more important than anything else, are willing to fall prey to advances by elderly well established men. The Kennedy brother's affairs of early sixties and the recent Clinton-Lewinsky madness have not only taken adultery to every drawing room but also given certain respectability and legitimacy to the 'other woman'.

Yet we know, many handsome rich men have been most faithful husbands. I am sure it had something to do with the women in their house, their wife. John F Kennedy Jr, one of the very macho men was indeed known to be a devoted husband. Bill and Milenda Gates make a perfect couple, and money has not got in between them. A husband returning home after a days work wants to release pressures by talking about his business rivals, company profitability, government policies and the like. If the wife is not willing to lend a listening ear, or add a two-penny acknowledging bit, the cracks are bound to appear. The woman at home has to beat the 'other woman' at what she is likely to be best - friendliness. Successful wives are not only good thoughtful conversationalists, but have mastered the most important arts of satisfying the man's belly and the under-belly. I feel that these three aspects are the KRA's that a wife needs to achieve to prevent that fatal attraction. Good knowledge of the likes and dislikes would certainly avoid unpleasant situations. A family moving at a set pace without any change often sets in monotony in the relationship. Innovative changes in routine, the setting in the living room, regular vacation, and even a reenactment of what our ancestors did a millennium ago at Khajurao, will add to the spice in life. There is no place for the second best. You are not going to be a loser. Remember you already have a head start. You just have to 'breast' the tape first.

South Asian Women are more prone to the risks from the 'other women'. Early and arranged marriages many a times end up in incompatible relationships. Women of these regions are more domesticated, less out going, at times less educated, and not sufficiently exposed to the worldly madness. Successful men, especially from the business community, who are upwardly mobile, often take advantage of the situation. The taboos attached to divorce and the risks there on, keep them from responding appropriately to the 'other woman'. In fact there are regions where it is common practice that the 'other woman' physically moves in under the same roof. There are no easy solutions here. Education and economic independence would greatly help her to tackle the situation.

Let me end by reminding the ground reality in a lighter vane. To some men marriage is a bit like being in a restaurant. You get exactly what you ask for - but as soon as you see what the fellow on the next table has got, you wish you had order that instead. Yet I would advice the SAWF women to endeavor to be an ideal woman - help the husband in doing the dishes. I wouldn't mind if my husband gave an overcoat to his secretary to keep her warm, but I will ensure thereafter that he gives one to me to keep me cool.