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MUM is the word By - Rina Mukherji Rina Mukherji has spent more than one a half decades (17 years to be precise) in the Indian print media. She has written on practically every topic under the sun- business, politics, science, gender issues, child rights, the environment, films, literature, public health and human rights so far. She has worked for several national newspapers in Mumbai and Kolkata, and freelanced for nearly all major newspapers and magazines in the country. She also holds a doctorate in African Studies, and has several academic articles to her credit

Remember what you were always told- Girls are to be seen and not heard.

Good girls had to obey their parents, husbands, and in-laws, as the need arose. A girl was never to question why. She had but to do and die.

Well, one has reason to believe that these norms of quiet gentility of a patriarchal society are the root cause of many atrocities towards women. Whether it is incest, rape or domestic violence, a woman is always told to never let the word out.

Even where eve-teasing is concerned, women are often reluctant to complain. Rape, molestation and incest, of course, are a far cry, since these are seen as experiences that tarnish the victims and not the perpetrators of the deed.

But then violence in the public domain is not the same as in the private domain. Until women’s groups launched an anti-dowry offensive in the ‘70s, it was common to hear of umpteen cases of young married women dying of burst stoves or kitchen fires. These were supposedly accidental deaths, which parents mourned in private. Nothing was done to question the circumstances that surrounded them.

Mainly because, this would jeopardize the prospects of other women in the family. I still remember meeting Pratibha and her father, a senior government official, in the early days of my journalistic career. An attractive girl trained as a schoolteacher, she had been married off to a senior IPS official’s civil servant son in Dehradun. But dowry demands had mounted to such an extent that the torture ultimately had her desperately make a call to her parents in Mumbai, lest she be murdered in her matrimonial home. By the time I met her, Pratibha was firmly ensconced in a teacher’s job at Mumbai. She hardly spoke, in spite of my questions being directed at her. She was soft-spoken, pleasing and smiled easily. Her in-laws and husband had been picked up for dowry torture, and her parents were satisfied with the results. Yet, I still remember her father saying hopefully, “ I am looking for a good match to get her firmly settled in life.” I immediately sensed where the problem lay. Pratibha had emerged out of a traumatic experience, and was well settled in a good job. But her parents did not consider her settled unless she was married off again. Pratibha had nothing to say. “My parents know best, don’t they?”

The experience irked me no end. Why didn’t this girl have an opinion? Or , was it because nobody cared to bother about her preferences? The latter had to be true. After all, how could a woman who had known the fear of death never have an opinion? Pratibha, I concluded, did not have an opinion because no one cared to ask for hers.

Ronita is married for nearly 25 years. She has an abusive husband who has numerous affairs and keeps battering her no end. Dowry demands have continued throughout her married life, and as and when her people cannot manage the finances, she is thrashed. She has endured all, for fear that her family would suffer loss of face. Her sisters have meanwhile, got married, her brothers are well-settled too. But Ronita’s trauma knows no end to this day. Mainly because, she has never dared to bring her wayward husband to justice.

Today, arranged marriages have come a long way. Parents let their daughters meet their bridegrooms, choose their trousseau, and decide on their jewellery. But the parents hold the reins. That is where the problem rises. A woman who dares to defy family opinion is branded an outcaste. Small wonder then, that love marriages are on the rise.

But even here, we have a problem. Men would rather go for meek, nice girls who are definitely not opinionated. Girls must have their academic degrees, but these are mere passports to marriage.

Girls are never encouraged to read newspapers or magazines, lest they get to know, understand and question the ways of the world. And get heard, besides being seen. It is common to come across many educated girls who leave crucial decisions on investment, spacing children and saving for a home to their husbands. One could pass this off to sheer laziness, or the reluctance to make hard-headed decisions. But, a study on the phenomenon would bring one to the root cause behind all this: the kind of conditioning parents resort to , just so that girls never question their authority.

A lot has been said about ending atrocities against women. In an age when women are marching ahead of men in all spheres, it is time we questioned the norms of patriarchal (and parental !)authority that have reduced us to empty parodies.

Unless we women make an effort to emerge out of our shells and demand our rightful place in the sun, no one shall grant it to us.

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