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While working with Asian women who are experiencing abuse, one often hears attitudes and beliefs that pressure the woman to be dependent on her abuser and accept abuse. But often, such beliefs are based on myths.

Myth: A woman is mainly responsible for child rearing.

Reality: Raising children, attending to their physical, emotional, and educational needs is a major responsibility for both parents. While child rearing does take a significant period (about 18 to 22 years) of one's life, women usually live a longer period (30 to 40 years) without such responsibilities when the children are adults. Also, as the children enter school age, women, now and in the past, have chosen to take additional responsibilities and have been successful at it. Some women also choose to be childless.

Myth: A woman cannot have a career without neglecting her husband and children.

Reality: While some careers demand long absences from home, most careers don't. A significant number of women today are able to balance the time demands of a career, homemaking, and child rearing. Having support and cooperation of the husband, getting help with housework, working extra hours, using timesaving gadgets or techniques, working from home, working part-time are some of the ways they achieve this. There are many career women with strong, happy, and fulfilled family lives just as there are dysfunctional families with fulltime homemakers. Dolores Curran in her book called Traits of a Healthy Family has listed and elaborated on traits commonly found in healthy families. These traits are independent of whether or not the woman has a career.

Myth: It is the woman's adjustment that can keep the family united.

Reality: It takes respect for each other, commitment, and effort from both partners to keep the family united. A family cannot stay united by one member's adjustment alone.

Myth: Modern woman epitomizes selfishness.

Reality: Selfishness is a value acquired by an individual. One who hurts others for self gain, is insensitive to other's needs and indulges in his or her own self gratification only would fit the definition of selfishness. As history reveals, such individuals, both men and women have existed in old times. Therefore, selfishness is neither a product of modernity nor is it related to gender. One change, however, that modern times are seeing is the increased number of options available to women. In older times, women had less rights and little choice. While many women rebelled and fought against such injustice, most women accepted it as a fact of life. In modern times, while women still continue to struggle for equal rights, there is more recognition of women's rights, needs, and desires. As a result, modern woman is able to assert more than her mother or grandmother could. But being assertive and being selfish are two very different things. Unfortunately, often, when a woman stands up for her rights, refuses to constantly self-sacrifice as her grandmother might have, she is labeled selfish.

Myth: Woman, being more sensitive than man, is better equipped to take care of children than man.

Reality: Sensitivity toward other's needs is a learned behavior. Parenting skills can be learned and improved with practice. Furthermore, some of the very same skills that help one work with children can help one work with adults also. Therefore, good parenting skills are also desirable work-related skills for men and women. While human biology deprives man of the experience of pregnancy, childbirth, and breast feeding, it leaves open all other aspects of parenting opportunities. There are families where men take an active role in the home and in looking after children.

Myth: Only woman has the sensitivity to keep the family together.

Reality: A family is a team. Sensitivity needed to keep a family together is not very different from the sensitivity needed to keep a team together at work. If a man can be safely entrusted at his work to keep a team together, why can't he be seen fit for similar responsibility at home? Also, often woman is not given the power needed to keep the family together especially in extended patriarchal family structure where she is at the bottom of the hierarchy. At work, the team leader is given the responsibility to keep the team together. His technical, observation, listening, and communication skills keep the team together. Expecting only the woman to keep the family together while keeping her at the lowest rank in the family is as ridiculous as expecting the janitor to keep the business going.

Myth: Women desire and demand more. This leads men to corruption.

Reality: There is no known study establishing the fact that women desire or demand more than men or that woman's greed is the reason for man's corruption. On the contrary, UNICEF studies have shown that girls and women receive less than boys and men in terms of food, sleep, health care, and education. When a man becomes corrupt, he is making a choice to become corrupt. While it is conceivable that a demanding woman may drive a weak and powerless husband to provide for her through dishonest means, it is far from the norm since statistically more men abuse women than women abusing men. Instances of men trafficking girls for illegal prostitution are probably far more common.

Myth: Because man must earn, his education is more important than hers.

Reality: Again, this is another backward argument. Because man is given better opportunity of education, he becomes better suited to earn. This inequality, introduced not by biology but by assumptions and choices made by parents, keeps woman at a disadvantaged position. Later on, the argument is used in a different way: Since the woman isn't educated she can't earn much; since she doesn't earn, she is not entitled to property owned by the family. Often, people assume that because he is the provider, the house and money belong to him alone (even when he lives with his wife in a state with community property law) and that his wife lives on his charity. A man who has this wrong notion, may feel nothing wrong in asking his wife to leave his house if she disagrees with him. If woman's education was considered as important as man's, a lot of her problems could be solved. She would be less vulnerable to abuse. If she finds herself in an abusive situation, she would be better equipped to free herself from it as she would not have to depend on her abusive husband for her financial needs.

Myth: A woman cannot live alone; she must marry.

Reality: For as long as there is recorded history, there have been single women. In India, the Vedic times had women scholars (Brahmavadinis) who chose to remain single lest marriage should interfere with academic pursuit. There have been Buddhist and Christian nuns and Hindu women saints who chose not to marry or left marriage. And in modern times, single women not only support themselves but also raise children alone. But still parents worry until the daughter marries. One source of this sentiment is the good intention of wanting to protect woman from physical and sexual assault by men. But we know that marriage does not protect woman always as her husband cannot be her body guard. Also, since some men do abuse their wives, she may experience physical or sexual assault by her husband. A better solution to the problem is to form a civilized and peaceful society where men respect women, criminal behavior is not tolerated, and an environment of safety is provided by the State.

Myth: Earlier men and women marry, less problems they will have because they will become compatible by growing up together. Late marriage leads to adjustment problems.

Reality: Growing up together does not guarantee compatibility as is evident from the fact that many siblings are incompatible and do not get along. Marrying at a very young age can lead to problems because both partners are immature, and are not sure of themselves, and may not understand what marriage is all about.

Myth: If a wife avoids irritating her husband and acts keeping in mind her husband's moods, he will not be violent toward her.

Reality: A man who is violent toward his wife uses violence to keep his wife at a position lower than himself so that he can feel important. A wife can never please a violent man no matter what she does and how hard she tries. A man's violence is not due to his wife's fault but due to his own. A man can control his violence only if he takes responsibility for it and learns to control it through a violence intervention program. Other superficial changes do not help. Even a change of wife does not help. A man often abuses a second wife after divorcing the first.

Myth: If a battered woman ends her abusive marriage by divorce and later remarries, she will run into similar problems in her second marriage.

Reality: Many women happily remarry and enjoy an abuse-free marital life. However, sometimes, women do enter into a second marriage that turns abusive. In these cases, it is found that the abuser had abused a past wife also. In case of second arranged marriages, women, especially South Asian women find a reduction of choices available and take great risks by entering marriages without adequately checking past record of the abuser.

Myth: Married couples feel attracted to each other for longer in joint-family system because the limited interaction helps to keep the attraction alive.

Reality: Marriage is not based on sexual attraction only. Marriage is about building a lifelong friendship and partnership. Distance cannot help to know each other better and to develop mutual understanding needed for building long term relationships.

Myth: In nuclear families couples grow weary of each other in no time.

Reality: In nuclear families where husband and wife develop a strong partnership and lifelong friendship, couples do not grow weary of each other even after the children grow and build their own nuclear families. They enjoy working together to raise a family and after the children are older they enjoy their friendship with each other.

Myth: A married woman cannot be raped by her husband.

Reality: When one person forces sexual intercourse on another without consent, it is called rape. At the time of marriage, both husband and wife make a promise to each other to remain monogamous to each other. But marriage does not give the husband the right to demand sexual intercourse from the wife whenever he wants. Consent is still required every time sexual intercourse is requested. Marriage does not give the husband a license to rape the wife. Marital rape is a crime that may receive severe punishment if proved. It is important to note that if consent is obtained by intimidation, or use of power, it is not a consent. Consent is possible only when there is equal power and the choice of saying 'no' is available. When a wife does not refuse sex because she is afraid, she is not giving her consent.

Myth: If the husband does not want to initiate divorce, there is no need for the wife to initiate divorce.

Reality: Legally, either party may initiate a divorce. Whether a husband wants a divorce or not, there are instances where a wife may need to initiate a divorce. One good reason is her safety. If a husband is physically violent, a wife may need to initiate divorce for her own safety and well-being. Non-physical abuse such as emotional abuse may be detrimental to her health. Financial abuse such as denying access to family money and violations of basic human rights such as taking away freedom may make life impossible to live. Thus, sometimes, women need and chose to initiate divorce for their own survival. While we have only given one example of why a woman may need to initiate divorce there can be other reasons. Initiating divorce is often a difficult decision for South Asian women. The need is personal and someone else cannot judge whether the need is there or not for a woman.

This column was created by Indira Chakravorty and Mamata Misra. The authors are the active members of Saheli. They have taught violence prevention in US schools as volunteers through the School Based Services of SafePlace.

Saheli is an all-volunteer non-profit support and advocacy organization for Asian families in Austin, Texas. Saheli's mission is to help victims and survivors of domestic violence to heal, and empower them to make choices for a life free of abuse. We spread awareness of various forms of oppression against women and children through community outreach and education. We form a bridge between the Asian community and local services to cross the culture gap. Saheli's vision is to work toward preventing abuse in family relationships, to break the cycle of violence and pursue a cycle of peace. For more information about Saheli, visit www.main.org/saheli
To contact us call (512) 703-8745
or send e-mail to: saheli@usa.net

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