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Our Life of Law and Disorder! Melvin Durai Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer and humorist. Born in Tamil Nadu, India, he grew up in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. In 1995, while working as a reporter for a daily newspaper in Chambersburg, Pa., he began writing a regular humor column. His weekly column now appears in several newspapers and on a number of Web sites. He also writes a twice-monthly column on Indian and Indian-American issues. He is a diehard fan of the National Football League and also likes to run, lift weights and play soccer, tennis and pool. An award-winning feature writer and aspiring novelist, he plans to publish a collection of his best columns. You can write to him at comments@melvindurai.com To read his older columns, go to http://www.melvindurai.com Visit http://www.sawf.org/humour to read Melvin's past columns on SAWF.

My wife and I have an addiction, the kind that seems to only get worse over time, no matter how many therapists we see. We just can't get enough of Law & Order, the critically acclaimed television series. We're hooked to them all: the original crime drama, as well as the many spin-offs, including Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Law & Order: Criminal Intent, and Law & Order: Parking Violations. We're even looking forward to the next spin-off: Law & Order: Library Fines. On some nights, we can watch as many as five episodes on cable TV, and on some weekends, we can enjoy a nonstop marathon, the type of marathon that doesn't end, surprisingly, with a medal presentation to a Kenyan. If you're wondering how we're able to watch so much Law & Order and still find time to produce children, all I can say is this: Thank God for commercial breaks. It's amazing what you can accomplish in a short interval, with enough time leftover to prepare dinner. It helps, of course, that I'm a former newspaper reporter, with the ability to perform well under deadline. My wife is so enthralled with the show -- the one between the commercials -- that when a rerun appears, she can tell within five seconds if she's seen it before and how many dozen times. But that doesn't stop her from watching it again. Where else is she supposed to get her fix? Certainly not from the nightly news, where so many homicides go unsolved, so many detectives fail to match the amazing efficiency of Law & Order's Briscoe and Green, who nab killers as often as Anna Nicole Smith nabs a pizza. If these guys were sent to South Asia, they'd be back in 12 hours flat, a long-faced Osama in tow. How do they do it? For starters, they know how to track down excellent witnesses, the ones with photographic memories. Waiters and waitresses are particularly good at remembering details (except perhaps what you ordered for dinner). Scanning a suspect's picture, a waitress at a busy restaurant will say, "Sure I remember her. She was here six months ago, came in at 7:35 p.m., left at 8:24. Sat in the corner booth with a tall bearded guy. I'm not certain, but I think she was wearing blue Levis, a Yankees T-shirt, and Revlon Pure Pearl nail polish. Paid her bill with a Citibank Visa. Don't hold me to it, but I think the last four digits were 5234. Sorry I can't be of more help." It's also a plus that most murderers are terrible at hiding evidence. The blood spatter in the living room is a dead giveaway (no pun intended). So is the DNA under the victim's fingernails, not to mention the one-way plane ticket to Rio. But if you think murderers are inept, you should see the defense lawyers. At first, they're wary of the police, instructing their clients to not say a word. But halfway through the interrogation, the lawyers are mesmerized by the cops' performance, allowing their clients to take responsibility for everything but the slit in J.Lo's dress. Ah, if only real life was like that. There's nothing as enjoyable as seeing a crook get nailed. At least that's what my wife says. As for me, I much prefer the commercial breaks.

For an email subscription to Melvin's regular weekly columns (not the ones that appear here), go to www.MelvinDurai.com

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