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Purpose of This Column

Through generations, women have faced oppression, inequality and barriers to growth and independence. This is true throughout the world-abuse knows no boundaries--political, social, religious, economic, educational or otherwise. Some of us might think that we, the middle class South Asians, are insulated from most of the ills women face in the 'outside' world because of the socio-cultural and religious structure on which our societies are based. It might be a shock to realize that that very structure has the seeds to oppress women, children, and people of certain classes; and we, by our traditional ways of looking at things, might be overlooking and ignoring them. As a result, there is not enough recognition of the problem in our society. When we are confronted with specific instances we are surprised that the problem even exists. This is sad but true, because many times we are not even aware of what abuse or oppression means or why it occurs. Abuse has many forms, physical, emotional, economical, sexual, legal, and so on. Oppression is not just a personal problem of the oppressed women. It is a problem of our society. It is a problem to which we all contribute, directly or indirectly. It is also a problem we can collectively stop over time if we can explore, understand, question, confront, and prevent it. This column is an effort in that direction. "Women and Society" is a broad topic with an open agenda that will allow us to make this worthwhile journey together.

How Can We Protect Our Children From Sexual Violence?

It seems logical to address questions and comments regarding women and society that have been put forth recently in this forum. A story called "Ratha Jaatraa" written by Mamata Misra, dealing with sexual abuse, especially child sexual abuse, was published in this forum about a month ago. Readers' comments show that women and even some men could relate to the character in the story, an adolescent girl named Sulekha, who has been sexually abused. Sulekha is a girl in a typical South Asian family surrounded by people who love her and try to protect her. But still Sulekha repeatedly finds herself helpless in situations where others (strangers and relatives alike) take advantage of her vulnerability. The story also reveals Sulekha's thought process -- how Sulekha internalizes guilt, and self-blame, and why she is not able to discuss her pain with her mother, how she deals with the trauma alone, and how she tries to prevent future occurrences by giving up enjoyment and freedom. The story received many comments, questions and answers from its readers. The reactions of the readers are just as important as the story itself; therefore, we have chosen to summarize the reader responses and further explore them.

It is plain to see from the discussions that most of us recognize that we have direct knowledge (from our own experiences or from somebody we closely know) that sexual abuse of girls is rampant in our society. One thing we all agree on is that we do not want our children and grandchildren to suffer through this menace. We have given suggestions on how to deal with the situation so that we can protect our children and the generations after them.

We know that while girls suffer more of this abuse, boys are also not immune from it. This is because children, both young boys and girls, are equally powerless and susceptible to abuse. As they grow, through social conditioning, boys learn that they have more power (not just physical power), and girls learn that they have less power. It has been found that children from an abusive household are more likely (than children from non-abusive homes) to grow up to be either an abuser or a victim-the boys learn that the way to show and maintain power is to abuse somebody, and the girls learn that it is the norm to take abuse from their husbands and other authority figures. Statistics in this country show that one out of three girls experience and suffer through sexual assault at least once in her life.

We need to 'unlearn' some of what we have learnt since childhood, and take the lead to teach our children to respect others. Behaviors that we usually discount as light-hearted and trivial, can affect how our children's present and future behavior will be shaped. Children who see their parents respecting each other learn to respect themselves and everybody else. People who belittle their partners by telling them that they cannot do things right, even if it is done with intent to teach, might have negative effects on children. Racial comments, no matter how light-heartedly said, might tell children that they can look down upon other people. Children are perceptive and often they can read our attitudes, body language, and unspoken words. To be able to teach our children we need to be examples first.

Sexual assault is not a "one-time experienced" trauma. It can linger and stay in the minds of the victims, especially when they experience it at a tender age, and affect them later in life. In 'Ratha Jaatraa' Sulekha is remembering her childhood experiences when she is an adult. Sometimes children remember these experiences even when it happened at a very tender age. Even though they do not understand what was happening to them, they feel the trauma, they realize that something 'strange' and 'bad' was happening to them. Sexual abuse is not just physical assault; it can traumatize and emotionally scar a young and tender mind.

Over and above the trauma of suffering through the assault, the girls are 'taught' to take this as their own responsibility and think that this is their fault if it happens to them. They are expected not to talk about it to anybody, and if they do, they are the ones subjected to be 'judged' as responsible for causing it. From the discussions in the forum, we have ample evidence that a lot of women have felt it through their own experiences. Our mothers did try to protect us, but that did not work. They took the responsibility on themselves only, without teaching us how to protect ourselves, without letting us know what we were dealing with, and how to deal with it, and without supporting us emotionally. We need to give our children tools to protect themselves, not just try to protect them. We need to talk to them openly and tell them what 'not' to accept from adults or anybody else. We need to teach them how to protect themselves in case something happens to them, to make them aware of and armed against any potential calamity (we have teach them what to do in case there is a fire in the house; in the same way, we need to teach them what to do if somebody does things to them that does not feel right). In 'Ratha Jaatraa' Sulekha could not talk to her mother, not because she did not love her mother or didn't feel close to her. She did not do it because she was not supposed to do so. We have to break this barrier and let our children know that they can talk to us; they can talk to us about anything. We have to tell them that we are here to support and help them if they need it, at any time. It is also a good idea to teach children self-defense-learning self-defense is a good idea for anybody-even if we do not use it, it gives us a lot of confidence. If we just try to protect them, we would be doing only half the job, and not a very good one at that. We would also be infringing on their freedom by restricting them from doing things they want to do or they need to do for their growth and enjoyment.

Also, we need to be aware of the fact that it is impossible to watch our children 24 hours a day every day. Cases of child sexual abuse have occurred when the mother was present at a stone's throw distance, but was otherwise busy. Of course we need to look out for our children, try to keep them safe, and not take unnecessary and unsafe risks. But it would be a mistake to think that we can protect them by watching where they are, who they are with, and what they are doing all the time. Trying to protect our children from potential assaulters is a two-way process. We need to prepare them by talking to them, by teaching them how to protect themselves, by giving them confidence, and by telling them that we are there for them 24 hours a day if they need our help, by supporting them unconditionally.

Who Is Responsible For The Perpetrator?

We need to tell the perpetrators that their behavior must stop and we need to hold them accountable for their crimes. Puzzling questions on the forum were how on earth do we know who among us is a sex offender? One of the suggestions was that the wives of the perpetrators would know and should tell. But because they are not economically independent they keep silent. By making our women economically independent, we can cross this barrier. This is a good point, and economical independence can make women more powerful. But the issue is not that simple, and needs further exploration.

First of all, the wives of perpetrators may not necessarily know. Many times the perpetrators are not 'crazed' individuals who are habitually doing this to children or other women. These individuals can be quite pleasant mannered typical good husbands and fathers, and their wives cannot dream of the situations where they take advantage of an opportunity or two.

Even when the wife knows or suspects what is going on, she can be in denial. The trauma and shame of knowing that her husband is hurting somebody close, and at the same time cheating her, can be overwhelmingly painful. She tries to make herself believe that she is the one who has the problem and is imagining things. This is a typical coping mechanism for reducing pain.

Another important point to consider is our society's reaction to this issue. When this kind of situation arises, the society usually blames the women-the wife: she was not a good wife to him and that caused him to deviate, and the victim: she must have done something to cause it, to entice him. Even the wife would rather blame the victim than her own husband. Until such attitudes change, it would be difficult for women to speak up and hold the perpetrator accountable.

In our society, the wives are dependent on their husbands not just economically; we, the South Asian women, are dependent on our husbands for our very existence! From the day we are born, we hear about marriage, and how marriage is the most important goal in a woman's life. We are taught to depend on our husbands for everything in our lives, and accept their authority over everything and everybody else. Our wishes and needs come last in priority in our lives. Hierarchy of relationships and authority of men-husbands, fathers, brothers, fathers-in-law-are established and accepted facts in a South Asian woman's life. Therefore, in addition to economic independence, the concept of emotional equality of human beings needs to be a socially accepted value for women to feel powerful. By emotional equality, we mean, irrespective of who makes how much money, and who is where in the family hierarchy, feelings and opinions of men, women, and children in the family are equally important; those are sought and respected.

Thus, expecting the wives of the perpetrators to tell on their husbands is unrealistic until some of the values and attitudes prevalent in society are changed. Economic independence is a first-step in the right direction. But while economic independence for women gives them the power, makes it possible for them to leave their husbands if they must, it is not enough. The seeds for responsible and respectful behavior must be planted in children before they grow up to be abusers.

In the US, schools and women's groups are making efforts in this direction. For example, in Austin, Texas, SafePlace: Domestic Violence and Sexual Abuse Servival Center, has developed a program called Expect Respect for the prevention of abuse among adolescents. Volunteers go to middle and high schools to talk with students about recognizing signs of abusive and respectful relationships, about date rape, how to recognize sexual harassment and what to do about it if it happens, about laws that protect them, and about characteristics of healthy relationships and how they can pursue healthy relationships and build healthy families when they grow up. Also, child abuse is taken extremely seriously and adults are required by law to report it to the child protective services if they encounter it. Therefore, if we can teach our children to recognize abuse, and tell someone they trust, the trusted adult can report the crime.

Conclusion

We must empower children to recognize abuse, stop it when it happens, and encourage them to tell someone they trust, and when they do, believe them without judging them. While we must teach them to take precautions and plan safety, we must not confine them or constrain their freedom or movement that could have negative effects on their growth. We must hold the perpetrators accountable and send clear messages that such behavior is hurtful and wrong and cannot be tolerated by society.

No one person or group can help the situation we are facing here. A collective and organized approach with co-operation and understanding from both men and women is needed to address and curb this menace in our society. Children learn from home, school, and environment. We need to think long term by educating our children on how to defend against potential assault, and also help them form a healthy society by teaching them to respect everybody irrespective of gender, race, religion or creed. This is the first step in ending abuse of any kind. If men and women of the future can respect each other and treat each other equally, 'abuse' will be a term of the past.

Helpful resources:

Books for parents to learn effective and healthy parenting skills:

Traits Of A Healthy Family: By Dolores Curran.

How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk: By Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish

Video tape:

The Children We Sacrifice By SHAKTI Productions. A video production about incestuous sexual abuse of the South Asian girl child. Written, produced & directed by Grace Poore.
Tel: (301) 589 4462.
E mail: shaktivideo@aol.com

Website and hotline to get information and help in the US:

RAINN: Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network
Hotline: Tel: 1-800-656-HOPE.
http://www.rainn.org

This column was created by Indira Chakravorty and Mamata Misra. The authors are active members of Saheli. Both have taught violence prevention in US schools as volunteers through the School Based Services of SafePlace.

Saheli is an all-volunteer non-profit support and advocacy organization for Asian families in Austin, Texas. Saheli's mission is to help victims and survivors of domestic violence to heal, and empower them to make choices for a life free of abuse. We spread awareness of various forms of oppression against women and children through community outreach and education. We form a bridge between the Asian community and local services to cross the culture gap. Saheli's vision is to work toward preventing abuse in family relationships, to break the cycle of violence and pursue a cycle of peace. For more information about Saheli, visit www.main.org/saheli
To contact us call (512) 703-8745
or send e-mail to: saheli@usa.net

Opinions expressed in this column are those of the authors alone.

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