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Perfect Wedding Hard To Attain Melvin Durai Melvin Durai is a Pennsylvania-based writer and humorist. Born in Tamil Nadu, India, he grew up in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. In 1995, while working as a reporter for a daily newspaper in Chambersburg, Pa., he began writing a regular humor column. His weekly column now appears in several newspapers and on a number of Web sites. He also writes a twice-monthly column on Indian and Indian-American issues. He is a diehard fan of the National Football League and also likes to run, lift weights and play soccer, tennis and pool. An award-winning feature writer and aspiring novelist, he plans to publish a collection of his best columns. You can write to him at comments@melvindurai.com To read his older columns, go to http://www.humor.melvin.com

I dropped the wedding ring. Just as I was about to slide it around my bride's finger, it slipped out of my grasp and fell to the floor. Unfortunately, I wasn't prepared for such a mishap and forgot to shout the three words that are absolutely essential at modern weddings: "Stop the video!"

Now everybody who watches the video, including the grandchildren of my grandchildren, will laugh at me. They may even blame me for their innate clumsiness, as though I'm the first person in the family to drop something. It's a pity I don't have a video of my grandfather in India, up on a coconut tree.

Perhaps I should edit the wedding video or at least find a way to destroy it. I would love to eliminate the ring-dropping scene, as well as the sight of my mother choking up with tears, realizing that her only son was finally getting hitched and she would have to learn a few more words of English, other than "When are you getting married?"

Take it from me: No matter how much time you spend planning your wedding, something is bound to go wrong. You'd have better luck planning the national convention of FWLK (former wives of Larry King). At least you'd be guaranteed a good turnout.

Consider yourself lucky if something minor happens at your wedding, such as the following:

---The soloist arrives drunk and sings the Rolling Stones' hit "You can't always get what you want."

---The pastor pronounces your last name "Dairy," instead of "Durai." And later, when he's drinking coffee, he asks you for non-Durai creamer.

---The bride, thrilled that she's finally married and doesn't need to control her desires anymore, doesn't wait until the guests leave to jump on the cake.

---The flower girls go on strike, demanding that they wear gowns as elegant as the pastor's.

My wedding started several minutes late because one of the flower girls didn't leave home on time. But it was a blessing in disguise, for the best man remembered only at the last minute to move the ring from his jeans to his tuxedo. Had the wedding started on schedule, I would have had to kill him. And that might have put a damper on the festive atmosphere. Especially if I couldn't find someone to deliver the toast.

Only one other minor thing went wrong: My bride's parents, after they had both walked her down the aisle and given her hand in marriage, took seats on opposite sides of the church. They had just flown in from Chennai, India, and were obviously still suffering from jet lag.

But why should I complain about such minor things, when the wedding was such a success. After all, it was the happiest day of my life, even happier than the day I bought my satellite dish.

I was so happy, I didn't mind smiling one million times. On your wedding day, you can't just be happy, you have to look happy, partly because people are constantly taking pictures of you. I smiled so much, my teeth began to hurt.

I even smiled when I dropped the wedding ring. I was happy that my bride remained calm and didn't consider dropping something in return. Such as me.

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