Editorial Music & Art Short story Carnatic Music Humour Culture Fitness Buzz Book Review Poetry Prev Issue Next Issue Breast Cancer Awareness Special Woman, Take Care! Mammogram & BC Myths Chemo-And Therapy Breast Self-Exam

Try Hard Not To Be A Suspect! Melvin Durai Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer and humorist. Born in Tamil Nadu, India, he grew up in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. In 1995, while working as a reporter for a daily newspaper in Chambersburg, Pa., he began writing a regular humor column. His weekly column now appears in several newspapers and on a number of Web sites. He also writes a twice-monthly column on Indian and Indian-American issues. He is a diehard fan of the National Football League and also likes to run, lift weights and play soccer, tennis and pool. An award-winning feature writer and aspiring novelist, he plans to publish a collection of his best columns. You can write to him at comments@melvindurai.com To read his older columns, go to http://www.melvindurai.com

In the aftermath of the recent terrorist attacks on America, we South Asians have had to face a cold reality: Our physical appearance is enough to turn us into suspects, no matter how many old ladies we've helped across the street.

If we have brown skin, we could be Osama's friends. If we have beards, we could be Osama's relatives. If we have turbans, we could be Osama.

I'm exaggerating, of course, but not that much. And the situation worsens when we say or do something deemed suspicious. Take what happened to Uday Menon, a 46-year-old financial consultant, when he visited a New York theater with his wife on Oct. 10. According to Rediff.com, four police officers handcuffed and dragged Menon outside while his wife watched in shock, not expecting to see that kind of drama.

Menon, when ordering tickets the previous day, had apparently shown too much interest in heavily attended shows and requested seats in a middle row, which, combined with his foreign name and accent, led the ticket agent to believe that he was planning to bomb the theater. It's a good thing Menon didn't ask what buildings are around the theater or he might have been shot on sight.

The message to South Asians is clear: You need to be careful what you say or do, especially if you cannot afford to change your appearance through major plastic surgery. Here are just a few rules you'd be wise to follow:

---If you go to the theater, do not sit in a middle row. Do not sit near the stage either. Sit near the back, right next to the exit. That way, if some idiot shouts, "Hey, that man looks like a terrorist," you can make a quick getaway.

---Do not carry anything that could be perceived as a weapon when traveling by plane, train or bus. That includes bottles, hardcover books and bananas. As an extra precaution, do not wear a belt. Belts can easily be turned into weapons, as many parents have shown.

---Before boarding a plane, push all your luggage through the X-ray machine and, if you're not too fat, try to slide through yourself. That would help the security personnel confirm that you're not a hijacker and, as a free bonus, they may also confirm that you have no tumors.

---When you're aboard the plane, do not get out of your seat abruptly. If possible, hold your breath and remain absolutely still. If you must use the restroom, raise your hand and wait until the flight attendant gives you permission.

The pilot may have to make an announcement: "Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for flying NHA (No Hijackers Aboard) Airlines. If you look toward the back of the plane, you will see that we have an Indian man flying with us today. Do not panic. He has been through a 16-hour security check. He will soon get up to use the restroom, escorted by three armed flight marshals. His activities in the restroom will be observed using 206 cameras, one for every bone in his body. He has been instructed to keep his hands raised above his head, so you may not want to use the restroom after him."

---Do not use any form of the word "bomb" in public. If you detest a stand-up comedian's performance, do not shout, "All your jokes are bombing, man." If you can't stand a politician's speech, do not yell, "You're such a bombastic fool!" And no matter how proud you are of your native city, do not say, "I'm from Mumbai - It used to be called Bombay!"

Of course, I'm exaggerating about these precautions, but not that much. Remember: It's better to be safe than under arrest.

View and Post comment on this article