Monday, Oct 04, 1999
Compromise
- Suman Chopra
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I have often heard the words "Life is a compromise", but always felt that they were being used with pessimistic connotations, as if to subtly denote a sacrifice. Notwithstanding, there is a need to analyze whether compromise is being carried as a burden like the mule pack or it is a joy ride on a horseback. The word compromise means arriving at settlement of differences by mutual concession. All relation-ships, personal and professional, demand some degree of compromise. Every one, every day, everywhere, is making a compromise during interactions with others. How much one gives in or compromises varies from individual to individual.
A woman moves into a new home after marriage. She often comes from a different background, upbringing, and has different values, lifestyle and aspirations. She has to all of a sudden adjust to a large number of new relationships. Start following different set of rules. Under these circumstances, if all the involved, and more so the other women in the house, do not show maturity and desire to accommodate, problems begin. Husband-wife relation is the most crucial one and the bedrock for the other linkages. Both have an equal role to play, perhaps the husband more, because the woman is already suffering from insecurities of change of place. Others in the family often watch this relationship to form opinions or take sides. Strong unbending attitude of either could create a situation wherein they settle for less because either doesn't want to explore options. Men and women are not equal because equal would mean identical, and identical they certainly are not. They respond differently to different situations, and that is human nature, which requires adjustment and understanding. Women have been brought up in a male dominated society, and most of what they do is because of male conditioning. It is men who have made the rules and women have to follow. This is especially so, in case of Asian women, who are greatly dependent on the men for economic security.
There is need for each to give the other elbowroom and to ignore some things that you may not normally like. There is a need to talk it out, some times even to draw lines that clearly define spheres of individual influence to prevent each stepping on other's toes. Today's life style demands both partners working. This has resulted in greater pressure on the family and therefore greater need for understanding. After work, both come home tired, but mostly, while the husband relaxes and unwinds, the wife is expected to dash into the kitchen, and look after the children. In effect she is working in two shifts, as a salaried person who earns an income and also acts as a traditional wife. There is no denying that men need to share the load of work in the Kitchen and the baby-sitting. Similarly, just in response, the woman should be more forthcoming in hammering a nail. Many a times very passionate relationships can burn themselves out if they are not based on friendship, mutual respect and understanding.
In the house there is another relationship that has become very important in small nuclear families, that between parents and growing children. Often the parents have strong traditional values of their own times and keep narrating and glorifying them in front of the children. Today's world is unfolding very fast. The children are exposed to a variety of things that in older times one could not imagine. Many a times there is a large divide, and if it becomes unbridgeable than there are serious problems. Undoubtedly the parents have a much greater role to play. It is indeed unreasonable to expect the younger people to move into your times. We must make efforts to keep abreast of the world. While I may be a Ravi Shankar fan, I must accept and tolerate the 'Back Street Boys'. Many a times the mother wants to hear devotional songs while preparing breakfast for the girls, that does not mean the girls can't listen to the latest pop. If required the house must invest in two music systems. Similarly it is unfair to force social outings that are otherwise not compatible. Well, while the parents need to make comprises, the children have also an equal role to play. Sometimes the parents take decisions based on their years of experience, even if they are wrong, as a mark of respect and compromise, the children may wish to quietly submit. Children also need to remember that happiness in the house is going to benefit all, and they need to make an equal contribution. Sharing of household cores by grown up children also greatly contribute to domestic harmony.
In a situation when one plays a multiple role, there is required a balanced degree of compromise by all individuals. Creating a support system around each other, raising each other's comforts level, coming together in the moments of crisis is very important. There is nothing more beautiful than nurturing a relationship, and that can only occur when everybody follows the set ground rules. Lastly, if we reach where we have set out to reach, the word 'compromise' would automatically be replaced by the more friendly word 'adjustment'.
From the Editor's Desk
We were absolutely delighted with the quality of response that the first Sawf initiated discussion generated. We plan to continue periodically initiating more high quality discussions. If you have a topic that you consider is worth a community discussion, please do get in touch with us throuh the Sawf discussion forum.
This issue of Connect, is unique in a way that should make all of us proud. We have great contributions from three members of a family. Suman Chopra, an Indian Air Force officers wife, currently residing in Moscow, has written the lead editorial, a remarkable piece of down to earth wisdom. Her elder daughter, Shaili Chopra, a name familiar to Sawf readers, contibutes a poetic sattire on the current Indian election in our newly introduced Humor section. Not to be outdone, younger daughter Ruchi Chopra provides an insight into Moscow for our Travel section. An insight that is so refresingly different from what the world press in general and the US press in particular provides. An insight, that can come only from someone who loves Moscow. That is talent for you, and all under one roof!
There is lot more of course. Uma Parameswaran in her Column discusses the nuances of good poetry, a topic that should be of great interest to the immense poetic talent within the Sawf fraternity. Our Poetry section has a great contribution from Padmini Natarajan in response to Nitila's story in our previous issue. Finally, we the opionated Simha frying one and all in US Diary/
Till we Connect again next week...
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