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Just Joking - Anu Chopra

"When will you realize that your daughters are marriageable age and when will you wake up from that slumber of yours and start looking for boys for them," screamed my mother on the telephone.

I panicked as I always do at my mother's constant reprimands.
"Will my daughters die as old maids."I wondered.

And I had two of them. One was twenty-four and the other one was twenty-two.
"The best boys are found in the Economic Times matrimonials,"said my mother.
"You know how hard your Dad and I worked to find a boy for you and you did get settled at the right age."
I knew my mother was dying to add despite your dark complexion but she refrained this time. The right age incidentally for me was nineteen. That is the age when I got married.

I gingerly called up my daughter who was studying in America and told her "I think it is time I started looking for boys and you should be settled at the right age."
"Right age," she screamed " and pray who decides the right age, you."
She screamed so loudly that it was as though I was not talking long distance but to someone in the next room. I quietly put the phone down.
My elder daughter is serious and always fighting for some cause or the other. It could be the Narmada Bachao Andolan or a stray cat that she has picked up. She knows everything that is happening in the world and is ready to pick up an argument on any subject.

I called up my younger daughter, who also is studying away from home but is slightly more amiable, but more stubborn than my elder daughter.
"Beta, are you ready to get married?" I said all honey and sugar and spice.
That is the tone I adopt when I have to deal with my Libran daughter.
"No mom," she laughed "why don't you get married .I think dad and you are really bored with each other,"and she giggled devilishly on the phone."

My younger daughter is constantly fighting the battle of the bulge and she only reads page 3 in a newspaper. And of course it is fun reading the Stardust with her and discussing the latest Hindi movies. We had half an hour animated discussion on Sanjay Leela Bhansali's Devdas. We discussed which was the most romantic scene, the one in which Devdas takes out Paro's thorn or the one in which Paro touches his feet when she gets married. That night I slept very badly. I dreamt of my daughters forming a spinster club. I dreamt of my elder daughter adopting a baby without marriage. Much as I admire these gestures, I think they are best reserved for the likes of Sushmita Sen.

I woke up and the last I remembered of my dreams was my younger daughter coming home with a white. I do believe in the amalgamation of cultures but I would like my daughter to marry a nice brown skinned Indian. I remembered the mother in the movie "Bend it like Beckham". She did not mind lesbians as long as her daughter was not one. It was the same case with me. I did not mind any deviation from the ordinary, as long as any one from my family did not do it.

I shook my husband awake and started telling him about my worst fears. But these things do not faze my husband. When it comes to any kind of work and tension he starts believing in kismet, and Geeta and what ever will be will be.

The phone rang and I knew it was my mother. My intuition was right this time. It was my mother
"Did you do anything instead of watching all Ekta kapoor serials?"
"Yes mom," I said dutifully.

I always feel I belong to that generation when I am scared of both my mother and daughters

I actually did flip over the matrimonial advertisements and thought of sending a matrimonial advertisement to the Economic times with my elder daughter's bio-data. I thought of having an e-mail id like "hopefully yours at hotmail.com." In the matrimonial advertisements nobody had given the right email id. It was always waitingly at yahoo.com, or seekingly at rediff mail.com or sometimes even more imaginative or even more bizarre.

With all these thoughts churning in my mind I turned to my savior the idiot box. I was watching one of Ekta Kapoor's serials and wondered where do women like this exist. The newly weds are probably my daughter's age. But I cannot imagine my daughters in saris, sindoor, bangles and such big bindis. I do not think there lives can revolve around only their families and extended families and the only things the TV characters know are how to manipulate or be extremely self-sacrificing. I think the children today want to have a life of their own and not get caught in the petty quarrels of joint families. I do not think they can play such games or be so selfless. One day I was talking to my elder daughter long distance and she seemed in a good mood so I asked her the kind of husband she wants.
"A very good looking husband, I want a trophy husband, I will be earning a lot of money, mummy, enough for my husband and me," she said with the confidence of youth.
"I want a husband, which I can show off to my friends. A combination of Salman khan and Sharukh khan."
"Does love and respect and having the same wavelength not figure at all in your marriage?", I asked shocked.
"Just joking mom you take things too literally," she laughed.

I called up my younger daughter and asked her thoughts the kind of husband she wants.
"Too much work and too much responsibility, in a marriage," said my younger daughter "and why should I get married when one can have all the fun without marriage."
"What,"I asked shocked?
"Just joking,' she laughed "and remember I am in queue you have an elder daughter who has to get married first."
"You are in queue please wait, ting tong."
She gave a perfect take off on the Indian telephones nasal tone, giggled loudly and hung up.
I gave up.

I was lying down watching my favourite TV serials when my husband came home.
"You don't seem your usual self, someone died in your serials, or someone's marriage broke up?" asked my husband, concerned.
"No I am worried about our daughters' marriages," I said.
"Do not worry they will find someone. After all they have my complexion."
Needless to add he is fairer then me and like all Indians very proud of his complexion and never fails to rub it in.
Seeing that I was in no mood for frivolity, he immediately became contrite.
"Just joking," he added laconically.

The next morning my mother called up.
"Have you done something", she asked
"Yes mommy, I have found this guy who is working in America in a MNC.He is from IIT Kanpur and then IIM from Ahemdabad.His parents are bureaucrats. And they have made a lot of money. He is the only son so he probably will inherit that wealth. And his grandfather is from the same village in Pakistan like you. They were also refugees from Pakistan."
I said all this in one breath.
"Really," said my mother just excitedly.
"Just joking," I said and hung up the phone.
I knew I could never find husbands for my daughters. We are not on the same wavelength anymore.

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