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Boundaries of Love By- Pratibha Kelapure At one time Pratibha's signature line read, "a mother, a poet and an engineer-- in that order." At the age of fifteen, she completed Rashtrabhasha Prachaar Samiti's Pandit degree with first place in the state of Maharashtra and discovered her passion for literature. Later on though she followed well traveled road to a science degree, marriage and move to bay area - California, where she has lived for past 22 years. She is a software engineer by profession, and a piece of code with imaginative, meaningful variable names moves her to tears. She retains a child's naivete, curiosity and sense of wonder about the world around her. Kindness is her philosophy in life.

"Mom, guess what, Lisa got married."

Jaya, my daughter announced as she walked through the door. After a long day at work and an unholy commute, I was sitting sipping a cup of tea. Finally, my life was beginning to settle down. I had a respectful, well-paying job, my daughters were on their way to college. I had a comfortable home. I had fulfilled so- called American dream. Even more significant accomplishment, was that, I had freed myself from the chore of helping the girls with homework. A wicked smile slipped through the corners of my mouth. I did not have to face any more embarrassments of not being able to solve the Physics problems. Resting my head on the soft cushion, I was enjoying my favorite show on TV. It was one of my guilty pleasures. Unknown to any of my learned colleagues and my PBS watching, 'my kid got 1600 on SAT test'-touting Desi friends, I indulged in watching 'Friends' reruns on TV each evening. One of these days, I will have enough courage to stand up in a Desi party and announce, "My name is Vidya and I am an underachiever." Oh well.

Lisa, such a sweet child, I always adored her as one of my own children. Middle school was a confusing and difficult time for my older daughter, as it was for all of her friends. Everyone was growing up into different shapes and sizes. The natural growth did not follow any orderly pattern. Some were growing tall without any body mass; some were developing breasts and hips, waiting for height to spurt up. Some had braces, some were breaking out with pimples overnight. Pretty, smooth faces were turning into a rough, uneven zit jungle. Crying spells were frequent and unexpected. "Mom, you don't understand." was the refrain of this unsightly bunch.

Lisa started to come to our home along with several other friends of Jaya in the summer before the 7th grade. She was the friendliest child I had ever met. She would hover over me watching me do the household chores and offer to help without ever being asked. In fact, this was the main cause of heartburn for my own daughter, since I never failed to point out Lisa's good deeds to Jaya.

"Well, you don't see her in her own house," Jaya would say, "she doesn't listen to her mother and Mark. She is a spoiled brat."

Lisa's mother Sandy was working as a receptionist at a small private company. Mark was her live-in boyfriend of six years. I had always wondered about Sandy and Mark. They looked so good together and got along well together. Why not get married and settle down, I thought.

Jaya would remind me on many occasions,
"Mom, you are still very much an Indian and you will always think like one."

I had accepted that a long time ago and was in no hurry to change my views. In return, I would remind Jaya,
"I am not like most Indian parents, I have given you all the freedom and all the guidelines on how not to abuse that freedom."

In my busy life, there was no time to wonder or worry about Sandy. Still, every time I saw her, I would hope that, today she will give me the news that She and Mark were finally tying the knot. I wanted that for the sake of Lisa. Every child deserves a stable home and a watchful mother, I would rationalize.

"Mom, Lisa is happy and Sandy and Mark are happy." Jaya told me. "Sandy and Mark go sailing or boating every weekend, they are enjoying life."
"What about Lisa?" I said. "She is left alone." "She doesn't want to go with them. She likes to be with her friends." Jaya said.

Lisa was always welcome to spend the nights at our home. The weekend slumber parties at Jaya's were always a hit. I thrived on those. Listening to the girls' chatter all night would cheer me up. Getting up early in the morning and watching their sleeping angel-like faces, made up for all the hardships of motherhood. The morning breakfast ritual was the icing on the cake. Having eight girls around the breakfast table would satisfy my hunger for a large family. Being in America and away from my immediate family was always a sour point with me. I had found ways to make up for that loss. Making morning breakfast for all my surrogate daughters was one of those ways.

Surrogate daughters, that is what the girls had become to me, and for one at least I had become her surrogate mother. Lisa would come up running with Jaya. She would put her arms around me and say cheerfully, "Hi Mom."

Even after having my own children, the desire to mother Lisa was most natural to me. I was certain, that every mother is a universal mother. Yet there was something, I didn't know at that time, which I came to realize in time. I let her come to out home any time of the day or night. In the beginning Sandy would call me to inform me that, She and Mark were going away for the weekend, and ask me if I would mind keeping an eye on Lisa. I would gladly agree. It was no trouble at all. It kept Jaya happy and occupied. I was happy and secretly proud of the fact that my home was considered as a stable and safe home for the children. I was happy to be considered a weekend Mom to Lisa.

A stable home! Oh, how I wanted the stability!
"What is your name?"
"Where did you go to school before?"
"Why did you move here?"
"Oh, seems like you had good grades in your old school. Our school is hard, we will see after a few months which section of class suits you."

I was tired of all these questions and I was tired of being put in the lowest section of the grade in each new school. I was scared of proving myself. Invariably after the first test in the new school, the teacher would announce in the class,

"This test was hard and one of our newest students has achieved the highest score, and her name is Vidya."

In one afternoon, I would have at least five powerful new enemies. It was he last thing I wanted in a new school. I wanted friends, but everyone would already have their little cliques and my acing the test would not help me make any new friends. This scenario would be repeated over with every move.

"Who knows where she came from."
"I wish she would go back where she came from."
"I don't like her, she has hair like a witch."
"She can't even hop on one foot."
Playground would be resounding with all these unwelcome remarks.

There were times, I would feel that, I did indeed have two horns coming out of my head, or I had a big hump on my back, or that I had a fangs like Dracula.

I was determined to provide the stability to my children. My home on the block was going to be a signpost of the neighborhood. As steady and as stable, as a rock of Gibraltar.

Being a weekend Mom to bunch of girls and specially to Lisa was the feather in my cap. I was providing a stable home not only to my children but to the children of neighborhood too. Now no one was able to say, "where did she come from?"

Instead, they would say,
"She belongs here. She was always here."
"She had seen the neighborhood grow. "
"She knows all the children's names. She knows about all their joys and sorrows."
"She is the weekend block Mom."

It was the last year of middle school. Lisa had not shown up last couple of days. I was beginning to miss her. I asked Jaya.
"She is hanging out with the "in" crowd after school." Jaya replied.
"What "in" crowd?"
"The smoking kids." Jaya coolly replied.
I jumped, "Is Lisa smoking?"
"Yeah, I am sure. Everyone is trying it out." Came the reply.
"Jaya, are you..?"
"No Mom, relax, I don't care for it. I don't want to end up with blackened lungs." Jaya said.
Thank God. All those anti-smoking, anti-drug campaigns in school have made the impact on the girl. I thought to myself.
"Everyone wants to be cool, it is a clique thing." Jaya said in a nonchalant tone.
I was relieved and at the same time was worried about her maturity. She was so much pulled together at thirteen than I ever was.

"I am worried about Lisa. I want to have a talk with her." I said.
"You are not her mother. She would not appreciate you butting in." Jaya told me.
"I am going to tell Sandy." There is something I can do, I thought.
"Lisa's Mom knows already." Came another cool reply from Jaya.

At that moment, I felt totally out of place. A thirteen year old is smoking and no one is disturbed a least bit? Was I really antiquated?
"She is really lonely with her Mom gone all the time. She needs mothering." I protested.
"Maybe. I don't see what you can do about it." Jaya wondered.
"A lot." I said to myself.

In my mind's eye, I saw my fifteen-year old self in the dark alley and the construction shade of a building. I felt the hot and sweaty palms of Shaym on my back. I was so relieved to be in his arms. This was my oasis. A cool and a comfortable place to hang my head after the school yard bullies and all the chores on the house. All I ever wanted to be close to someone and I found that in the arms of Shyam. He was a lot more intelligent than the teachers gave him credit for. Only if he applied himself, he would be a scholar. He was eighteen and out of control, at least that was what all the teachers said. I was blind to all his shortcomings, in those monsoon evenings the warm embraces were comforting for both of us. It was a terrible secret that, I did not share with anyone. I had no friends to speak of. I had started a new school, and loneliness came with it.

I carried a lot of guilt about those evenings with me all my life and I was not about to let another adolescent girl go through that pain of rejection and shame. I was going to save Lisa. After all, she is my daughter. I will not let her loneliness and pain go unchecked.

I didn't see Lisa for couple of weeks. She was gone to visit her Dad. I was determined to have a talk with her when she came back. I waited for her every day. Every day I would ask Jaya, "Did Lisa come back?" Every day I was disappointed. With passage of every new day, I was letting that sad little fifteen-year old girl down. She had been very patient, her eyes always turned down in shame.

"Are you going to let Lisa go down the same ugly path? What kind of mother are you?" She seemed to be saying to me. "Don't you love me? All I ever wanted was just a little bit of love and understanding." The weight on my heart was becoming heavier by the day.

I could not concentrate on work. I came back early one afternoon to rest. I saw Sandy, rushing towards a moving truck with a small crate of fragile picture frames. My heart sank.

"Mark and I are moving, Mark lost his job here and we are moving to Arizona. His buddy owns a construction company down there. Mark is going to work with him for a while." Sandy told me.
"Where is Lisa?" I asked.
"Lisa is going to live with her Dad." Sandy said.
"When are you leaving?" I asked. The moving truck was already loaded, and yet I was hoping that they were staying for a couple of days, and I would see Lisa.
"As soon as Mark gets here, we are leaving." Sandy informed me. The rug was pulled from under my feet. I was unsteady on my feet. I saw Sandy and the truck float away from me. The tears formed a thick screen before my eyes. I could not see anything.
"Mom, are you okay?" I heard Jaya's voice coming from some distant planet. It was as if I was buried under the earth and she was standing on the surface and calling out my name.
"I am alright." I uttered and lifted my feet with all my might.
"Sandy, I am so sorry to see you leave. I wish you had asked me for my help in packing. I also wanted to see Lisa so badly. I miss her. Please do keep in touch and let me know your new number as soon as you settle down." I managed to say.
"Yeah, sure. Take care." Sandy said in a hurry and went back to fetch some more boxes.

"Mom, you are crying," Jaya said to me as soon we were safely inside the house. "I miss Lisa too. She is at her Dad's place. I am sure she will come to visit us."

Sandy's hasty departure was disturbing to me, what about Lisa? What is she feeling? I could not imagine, any mother just packing up and leaving her child, even if Lisa was in her father's custody. "Every child deserves a stable home and a watchful mother." I said out loud to myself, hoping that somehow that fifteen-year old would hear me.

Jaya was so comforting and mature, how did she get that way? She is just eighteen, she has a long way to go before she can be a mother. Then where did she get this calm disposition? She was secure in knowing that her mother loved her and would stand by her. Somehow, that fifteen-year old was beginning to look up with a glimpse of pride and joy in her eyes.

There was nothing, I could do for Lisa if I could not contact her. I was not her mother. Her mother had chosen to leave her behind. I could not bring Lisa to live with my family and me. She had a father, a mother. She wasn't an orphan.

Over the next five-six years, I heard several rumors-half-truths about Lisa. She was smoking, doing drugs, sleeping with boys. I would pray that they weren't true. Unfortunately, many of them were true. Lisa had dropped out of school. She was working as a receptionist at a small private company at the age of eighteen. All the roads were blocked for her, it was all she could manage to find. Now, she was married.

There was nothing, I could do to change that. As a mother, I had thought my love was boundless, but when I was called upon to deliver, I put boundaries on my love. Why could I not save Lisa? Was it my place to save her? Did she need saving? Saving from what?

I don't have all the answers for that sad little fifteen-year old girl.

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