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New Population Strategy May Work Well By- Melvin Durai Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer and humorist. Born in Tamil Nadu, India, he grew up in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. In 1995, while working as a reporter for a daily newspaper in Chambersburg, Pa., he began writing a regular humor column. His weekly column now appears in several newspapers and on a number of Web sites. He also writes a twice-monthly column on Indian and Indian-American issues. He is a diehard fan of the National Football League and also likes to run, lift weights and play soccer, tennis and pool. An award-winning feature writer and aspiring novelist, he plans to publish a collection of his best columns. You can write to him at comments@melvindurai.com To read his older columns, go to http://www.melvindurai.com

About a year ago, I wrote a column about India's population growth and how people would soon reminisce about the past, saying, "Remember the good old days when India's population was only one billion?"

I suggested several strategies to control the population, including giving free televisions to people in densely populated states like Uttar Pradesh and Rajasthan, so they would have another way to entertain themselves.

I imagined an Indian woman saying to her husband: "Put your clothes back on, dear. Amitabh is on TV again. Isn't he handsome?"

Well, it turns out that what I had suggested jokingly isn't so far-fetched after all. But don't get too excited: The Indian government won't be handing out free TVs anytime soon. No, not even if you pledge your lifetime support for the BJP.

The government has decided, instead, to make TVs cheaper as part of its family planning policy, according to Reuters. ``Entertainment is an important component of the population policy,'' Health Minister C.P. Thakur told lawmakers in parliament. ``We want people to watch television.''

An important component? You mean it's as important as sex education and contraception? I'm finally beginning to understand why my wife keeps a TV in our bedroom.

This population-control strategy works in a couple of important ways, as Thakur may soon explain to people:

Woman: "My husband always wants to sleep with me. He's turned on all night. What should I do?"

Thakur: "Buy a TV. And keep it turned on all night."

Woman: "What if my husband doesn't watch? What if the TV doesn't distract him?"

Thakur: "The government has thought about that. If your husband keeps coming after you, take the TV and drop it on him."

Woman: "What a great strategy. My husband never believes me when I say I have a headache. Now he'll be the one with the headache."

The population-control strategy works especially well with television shows that not only entertain people, but also get them interested in other subjects. For example, "Kaun Banega Crorepati," India's version of "Who Wants to Be A Millionaire?" starring Amitabh Bachchan, gets viewers to think about making money, not making love.

In contrast, the strategy may backfire if everyone starts watching "Baywatch."

Prime Minister Vajpayee: "Dr. Thakur, how is our new population strategy working?'

Thakur: "Not too well, Sir. Everybody started watching 'Baywatch' and our population is now two billion. We need to ban the show. Too many beach bodies! They're getting people aroused."

Vajpayee: "Ban 'Baywatch'? Are you crazy? Don't forget that many of us are bachelors."

If the population keeps exploding, Star TV could try scheduling "KBC" and "Baywatch" at the same time.

Wife: "Let's watch 'KBC.' Someone's going to win a lot of money. A real genius."

Husband: "No, let's watch 'Baywatch.' Someone's going to run on the beach. A real babe."

Wife: "Forget it! I refuse to watch scantily dressed women, especially when I can watch a well-dressed Amitabh."

When couples are busy fighting over television shows, they're usually not in the mood to get cozy with each other, if you know what I mean. And trust me, it's not often that a husband and wife can agree on what to watch.

So maybe the government's population-control strategy isn't such a bad one. Television can definitely put a stop to bedroom activities. That reminds me of a question I've been meaning to ask: Does anybody want to buy a used TV?

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