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To Marry or not to marry. .. Sunanda Vashisht Sunanda was born in the beautiful valley of Kashmir, India when Kashmir was known for its unparalleled natural beauty and not as a cauldron of fear and terror. She did most of her schooling in Delhi and dabbled with several professions before moving to U.S last year. she is currently pursuing higher studies here. she likes to introduce herself as an explorer because she wants to spend all her time in this world exploring unknown. Writing for her is a cathartic experience. She can't remember when she began writing first but she does know that writing has always helped her to be at peace with herself and with the world around her.

A dear friend of mine called me the other day completely frustrated and angry. I was really surprised. I have known this particular lady for a long time now and I know she is a very calm person and unlike me is hardly ever a victim of her impulses. So her exasperated tone really had me surprised. This friend of mine, let us call her Rita for the sake of convenience, was very angry because she was being forced by her parents to meet yet another prospective groom and decide whether she wanted to marry him or rather the prospective groom would be kind enough to choose her as his future life partner. Rita was angry because this was at least the tenth time she was meeting a prospective groom and she knew the history would repeat itself yet again this eleventh time too. In the past, eight out of ten guys had rejected her because they had found my friend either too qualified or too good for their comfort. The other two were worried that since she made more money than they did it would be very difficult to boss her around. Rita obviously did not want to go through the same rigmarole once again. She was predictably tired of this nonsense but there was no way she could convince her ever worried parents.

I might have added a little humorous twist to this story to make it a little spicy but the fact of the matter is that this is the story of a lot of well qualified, independent women of Modern India. There is nothing humorous about this situation because it reflects a very sad trend in our so called modern society where women have progressed leaps and bounds but men still continue to live in 18th century. Before I go any further I must confess to my male readers that this is not a male bashing column so they need not click somewhere else. I must also admit that when I talk of men I am not talking about each and every man out there. Of course I have known some extremely wonderful men who have been a source of inspiration to me for a long time now. I am only talking of the majority of men out there who still consider women to be a commodity to be purchased at the time of marriage and treat her accordingly for rest of the years to come.

I graduated from St. Stephen's College in Delhi some years ago and St. Stephen's is known to be a very liberal institution where all mindsets find a place and where you don't have to be 'Normal' to be considered Normal. A very interesting phenomenon that I noticed in the college was that Men and Women studying together formed great friendships in the course of time but very few romantic affiliations ever came to be known. In fact it was a well known joke that Men from Stephen's chose to have girl friends from other places or other colleges. I would often wonder about this. One day I asked a class mate of mine the reason for this. He smiled and said 'Oh Stephen's girls are too smart. They are good to talk to but who would want to date them. Smart girls are pain in the neck. They question too much.'

I was really surprised. 'Are you trying to tell me that being smart and intelligent actually is a disqualification. I would think the other way round' I asked him. This friend of mine who went to a very prestigious Management College later, answered ' Well, I can speak for myself and I know this is true for most men that I know. Men prefer to be friends with intelligent girls but when it comes to a serious relationship they prefer to have beauty with slightly lesser brains.'

Having said that, he laughed aloud. I couldn't keep quiet. I said, 'So you want to have a doormat wife?' He judged that I was being serious now. So he answered pretty seriously too ' Yes because I want to be in control in my house and I want peace' 'At the cost of other person's individuality?' I could not help saying. 'Well I am not forcing anybody to marry me. They have a choice as much as I do. I am only telling you my preference'

I knew it was futile to argue any more. If this was the mindset of so called aware, educated urban Indian Man, I shuddered to think what would be going on in the remote areas of India where education and awareness was not yet so widely spread.

This reminded me of the incident that I had read in George Eliot's famous Novel 'Middle March' In the ancient days when Witch Hunting was prevalent in west, the ancient societies thought that because these so called witches had extra-ordinary powers so they should be prosecuted. The test to find out whether the woman was a witch or not was by throwing her in the well. If the woman drowned then she was not a witch and if she floated she was a witch in which case she would be put to death. In both circumstances the woman was killed whether or not she was guilty.

The irony is that women were always prosecuted if they were gifted with some extra ordinary talent. Does this happen because men feel insecure with smart women? Do they fear that they would be over shadowed? I guess that is the reason and that is why the extra-ordinary or powerful women of our times have always been plagued with controversies and scandals. Indira Gandhi was considered a woman with sinister powers almost a witch by some of her powerful male contemporaries. Very few people admired her for her extra-ordinary strength. The source of strength in a woman is always attributed to some sinister energy something that I have always failed to comprehend.

Most of you must have heard the age old saying:
'Dhol, Ganwaar, Shudra , Pashu, Naari , Yeh sab Taadan ke Adhikaari. [ meaning a drum , an idiot, a low caste person, an animal and a woman, They all deserve to be beaten]

This goes a long way in reflecting the status of women. My feminist friends will argue that in this day and time where women have proved that they can do anything that men can, with greater efficiency and conviction, what do we need men for. I completely understand this view -point but I also subscribe to the view that men and women are both necessary to keep this society going. Men and women need to be an asset to each other. They don't need to be competing in a relationship and even if they do need to, it has to be a completely healthy competition. Easier said than done, of course I know.

I wish men would be learn to be a little more accommodating and more understanding of women. Smart Women are not a threat to them. This society needs smart women as much as it needs smart men. Men need to know that the era of doormat wives is over and very soon they will find themselves primitive, if they don't move with the times. I hope my friend has the strength to say No to all these primitive men who are just a stigma on our society.

Until we connect again....

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