Editorial Music & Art Science Fiction & Fantasy Humour Women & Society Book Review News Round-Up Humour-1 Poetry Prev Issue Next Issue

Fuzzily yours Anupama Handoo I was born in the paradise called Kashmir (which is a hell-hole of militants these days)... and my sweetest dreams are those, in which I see my homeland. I am a Software Engineer by profession; and a poet at heart. I write occasionally, both in English and Hindi.

And who says we don’t need Fuzzy Logic. We need all kinds of Logic. Fuzzy or otherwise. As a computer professional I can assure you that if there is anything missing in the computer industry apart from contentment; it is the Logic. We expect the poor dumb machine to give us the Logic while we know that all it understands is ‘0’s’ and ‘1’s’. So when I say that my machine understands more than that; and is capable of (God forbid!) thinking for me; it has gone crazy and fuzzy. And that; my dear gullible friends; is the Fuzzy Logic.

So we have a Washing Machine that understands that water is a scarce resource- clean Yamuna or not-it saves water by rinsing less. There goes the fuzz. I mean the buzz! For the detergent stains on the cuff we have another buzzer that says - You fool! don’t put that much of Detergent. As in ‘bas itna hi kafi hai’. So my Washing Machine comes in direct competition with my ‘kaamwali’..interesting! Only that you can’t scold, plead or threaten not to pay; if the cuffs are still dirty. It is only a machine, remember!

Very soon, my Refrigerator will check the quantity of milk in the bottle and place an online message to the ‘doodhwala’ who will send in more milk. That way I will never run out of milk. There is a little catch however! I never keep my milk in the bottle but in the ‘patila’! I never run out of milk either! My ‘doodhwala’ never forgets to deliver it everyday. But obviously there is nothing Fuzzy about that is there? Yes, before I forget it may transmit the amount of milk consumed in my home to Meneka Gandhi who may start another agitation about Lactose Intolerance in Indian people, et al.

Well, my car has Fuzzy Logic installed as well. I lock it and it protects itself from anyone who tries to steal it. So much so for the Logic part. But for the Fuzz part; well if nobody tries to steal it during the day; it steals itself! Ego problems?. or maybe; just that very mechanic desire to drive me crazy! All machines in this world have that inexplicable desire to drive humans out of their minds. Don’t believe me? Try asking your computer for your Screen-Saver Password-if you have (God Forbid!) forgotten it!

Well, I am working on Fuzzy Logic too. It is a small beeper fitted to my clothes which goes off when I open my wardrobe. The equipment downloads my lucky colour from the astrological sites; and decides for me which colour to wear that particular day. Now won’t my ‘Panditji’ and all his ‘Rahu - Ketu’ friends be happy? An advanced model will even change the colour of the existing dress in case it can’t find one in the requisite colour. And the Version-3 will place an order over the Internet to my ‘darzi’; and ask him to make my dress in the specified colour ASAP. It will then put Laser Beams on my door to prevent me from going out in any other colour except for the specified one.

Another invention in the Fuzzy Logic line that I am seriously thinking about is a Boss-Check (BC for short). All you have to do is to take a photograph of your Boss (Please don’t ask me how to get it-use your Logic!) scan it and save it in the Software. Now whenever your Boss comes around, it minimises the Desktop Game you are playing and opens up the important assignment you were supposed to deliver by afternoon;with the cursor blinking at a strategic position. The version which I am currently using darkens the screen and writes in Green Bold Tahoma : GAME PAUSED; BOSS AROUND. RESUME - EXIT. It needs some trouble-shooting with the Logic!

Well, that brings us back to the original question as to why we can’t create logic to create logic. Fuzziness should be the norm rather than an exception. I mean that at every step the computer is taught to be intelligent and learn from its previous blunders. Why doesn’t it read a computer book or at least its own instruction manual; and behave fuzzily all the time? It would make life simpler for all of us. While you think about this one; I’ll rush and get my milk- the ‘doodhwala’ is here!

View and Post comment on this article