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Sisterhood - Pratibha Kelapure At one time Pratibha's signature line read, "a mother, a poet and an engineer-- in that order." At the age of fifteen, she completed Rashtrabhasha Prachaar Samiti's Pandit degree with first place in the state of Maharashtra and discovered her passion for literature. Later on though she followed well traveled road to a science degree, marriage and move to bay area - California, where she has lived for past 22 years. She is a software engineer by profession, and a piece of code with imaginative, meaningful variable names moves her to tears. She retains a child's naivete, curiosity and sense of wonder about the world around her. Kindness is her philosophy in life.

I started reading SAWF webzine about a month and half ago. Amidst all the poetry, culture, art and travel sections, I saw a reflective article "The Other Woman". I read it and I felt that there is something more that needs to be said here. I didn't give it any thought for about a month, and suddenly last week I remembered a long forgotten incident, and that is what prompted me to write this article.

About ten or so years ago, I knew this bright, spirited, young woman, let us call her Seema. She had a five year old sweet young daughter. Seema was studying to be a nurse. It was grueling for her to take care of the daughter and be a serious student at the same time. She was a single woman. She was also a fun loving person. She invited a couple of her friends, including me to go to a party hosted by a local regional group. The party was full of well dressed, a bit over-dressed sometimes, women and their husbands and children. A usual fun family social gathering. I spotted an acquaintance of mine, let us call her Sheila, in her bareback dress and upswept hairdo with some tresses dangling from the side of her head falling on her cheek. A mother of two and a happily married woman. When she saw me with Seema, she pulled me aside in concern and warned me in whispered voice to stay away from Seema. I was flabbergasted. Sheila whispered to me, "Seema is a home wrecker, she sleeps with married men and then blackmails them for money." This did not sound anything like Seema that I knew for past several months. But as it turned out Seema and I did not see each other after that incidence for a year. I tried to forget that incidence, since I didn't know what to believe. Now I know that was my weakness, I should have known better. Sheila's husband was known to be a philanderer. Before he married Sheila, he was living with a white woman, but instead of marrying her, he found Sheila, a socially acceptable woman to his family and his rich social circle. But most of us dismissed that as a falling out between his girlfriend and him, and we forgave him for not marrying her.

Anyway I met Seema after a year at a book store. She was graduating from nursing college and was on her way to become a full fledged nurse. She could now support her little daughter and finally be a truly independent woman that she always wanted to become. She was beaming with pride, but I couldn't fail to notice a sadness in her bright smiley eyes. I invited her to join me for lunch and encouragedher to talk. This is her story. She had not met Sheila before that party. But after that party she would never forget her either. Sheila had poisoned so many minds at that party, and being a relative newcomer to the area, Seema was at a distinct social disadvantage. Sheila's husband Shyam had met Seema through a singles agency and had chased her and made promises of love to her, while Sheila was in India on her extended trips. When Seema finally found out about him being married and all, he made all sorts of excuses and made Seema believe that his soon to be ex wife had come back to US only to do the necessary paperwork for divorce. Seema refused to see Shaym, but being a woman in love she did talk to Shaym frequently and kept believing his promises.

Finally she had enough courage to break it off completely, but not before Sheila finding about her. Well now Sheila was bent on ruining Seema and all the while Seema wasn't even aware of Sheila's existence. She said if she knew Shaym was married she would not have agreed to date him. I believed her story, because I had seen her struggle day and night, she is a devoted mother and would not do anything to hurt her children. I finally managed to talk to Sheila and made her see that Seema is not a monster that she was making out to be. No intelligent self respecting woman would allow herself to be a home wrecker. If anyone was to blame for the whole fiasco, it was Shaym, since he volunteerly went looking for a single woman, knowing fully well that he was married and did not have any intentions to leave his wife. Well I would like to tell you that Seema and Sheila have become best friends and sisters, but that is not likely to happen. They are both leading their separate lives, both very disappointed in a very selfish man. So when these days when I hear about other woman, I am more sensitive and refuse to take sides. If a married spouse decides to cheat on the partner, there are no winners and losers, There are no first and second positions, everyone including the cheating husband is a loser. People have to constantly work to keep the marriage alive, but just by adapting superficial means such as acting friendly and being a 'Rambha in bed' is not guarantee to keep husband's love. It is not a contest, I would advise a wife or any woman to build her self esteem, become a separate person with full powers of a human being. One had to love self before expecting acceptance from a husband or anyone else for that matter. Women need to trust and respect other women and build the sisterhood and move forward together. We must not hold each other down and not treat a man as prize to be won or displayed. We need to learn to be self sufficient so that we can relate to all men and women as equal human beings.

If a woman volunteerily goes after a married man, she is a bimbo and a loser. If a man has any integrity, he will resist her. If he does gives in, then a smart wife is better off without him. I would not feel good about advising a smart wife to compete with a bimbo. Many a times men also mistake an independent woman's intentions, that they meet at work or social places, as a willing partner. They like to believe that if a woman agrees to have lunch or dinner with them, even if at is a strictly a business meal, they harbor the secret desire to take it further, while the woman is completely unaware of their motives.

So to keep a marriage together, it takes two wheels which must balance the load that they are carrying. One can not expect only a husband or only a wife to make it work. Both must work equally, and really "work".

Until we connect again....

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