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Beauty Is In The Mind Of The Speller Melvin Durai Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer and humorist. Born in Tamil Nadu, India, he grew up in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. In 1995, while working as a reporter for a daily newspaper in Chambersburg, Pa., he began writing a regular humor column. His weekly column now appears in several newspapers and on a number of Web sites. He also writes a twice-monthly column on Indian and Indian-American issues. He is a diehard fan of the National Football League and also likes to run, lift weights and play soccer, tennis and pool. An award-winning feature writer and aspiring novelist, he plans to publish a collection of his best columns. You can write to him at comments@melvindurai.com To read his older columns, go to http://www.melvindurai.com

If you take pride in the achievements of Indians, you need to follow two types of contests: beauty pageants and spelling bees. It won't be as exciting as watching the Indian cricket team, but at least you won't end up pulling out all your hair. Just ask L.K. Advani.

For some reason, Indians -- or people of Indian origin -- have in recent years flourished in the Miss Universe and Miss World pageants, as well as the National Spelling Bee.

This year is no exception. Miss India Neha Dhupia and Miss Canada Neelam Verma were finalists at Miss. Universe 2002 in Puerto Rico, while Pratyush Buddiga of Colorado Springs, Colorado, won the 75th Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee in Washington, D.C.

What's intriguing about this trend, of course, is that beauty queens and spelling champions have little in common. I'd love to watch Neha trying to spell words such as "tergiversation" and "prospicience," which 13-year-old Pratyush aced.

Judge: "The word is tergiversation."

Neha: "Oh, that's so easy. T-E-L-E-V-I-S-I-O-N. We have one at home."

Similarly, Pratyush, despite his interest in swimming, would probably earn low scores -- even from his parents -- parading around in a bikini. Of course, he'd have no trouble answering the final question at this year's Miss. Universe: "What makes you blush?"

"Wearing a bikini in front of millions of strangers makes me blush," he'd say. "So does wearing an evening gown. So does Donald Trump's constant flirting. So does this inane question."

Neither beauty pageants nor spelling bees attract huge TV audiences, but that could change if organizers find a way to combine them.

Announcer: "Welcome to the 2003 Miss Universe Spelling Bee. Our first beautiful speller, representing India and wearing a stunning silk bikini, is Arundhati Roy. The famous author beat out 100 rivals in India by correctly spelling 'Narmada,' 'globalization,' and 'Booker Prize.' Amazing! Beauty and brains in a tiny bikini!"

Beauty pageants are often criticized for objectifying women, whereas spelling bees are lauded for encouraging children to develop their brains -- particularly the part of their brains that remembers words that nobody uses.

But at least beauty queens can exchange their tiaras for acting or modeling careers. It's hard to make a career out of spelling. Even President Bush, despite the obvious need, is reluctant to hire a spelling assistant. Pratyush would be perfect for the job.

Bush: "I'm writing a note to the president of Pakistan. How do you spell his name again? It begins with an 'm,' right?"

Pratyush: "Yes, Mr. President. It's spelled M-O-B-S-T-E-R."

Bush: "Wow! That's easier than I thought. Thanks, Prat... How do you pronounce your name again?"

Pratyush won $12,000 in the National Spelling Bee, money that will allow him to pay tuition at a top college, at least for a week or two.

If spelling bees keep growing in popularity, the prize money will probably double or triple -- and we may see our first professional speller. Don't be surprised if he or she is an Indian.

Indians have an edge over other spellers, because, at a very young age, they face a major challenge: learning to spell their own last names.

Once you've spelled a name like Balasubramaniam, all words are easy.

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