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Prisoners Keep Losing Privileges Melvin Durai Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer and humorist. Born in Tamil Nadu, India, he grew up in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. In 1995, while working as a reporter for a daily newspaper in Chambersburg, Pa., he began writing a regular humor column. His weekly column now appears in several newspapers and on a number of Web sites. He also writes a twice-monthly column on Indian and Indian-American issues. He is a diehard fan of the National Football League and also likes to run, lift weights and play soccer, tennis and pool. An award-winning feature writer and aspiring novelist, he plans to publish a collection of his best columns. You can write to him at comments@melvindurai.com To read his older columns, go to http://www.melvindurai.com

American and European inmates at Delhi's high-security Tihar Jail got some bad news recently: The menu will no longer feature pasta, bread, noodles, pizza and cookies. They will have to manage with rice, roti, daal, subzi and other Indian food. That's because the kitchen staff has realized that the sign out front says Tihar Jail, not Hotel Tihar.

The 281 foreign inmates, most of whom are being held for drug and passport-forgery offenses, "will no longer be served the food of their choice," Tihar Jail director general Ajay Aggarwal told The Times of India. We can't be absolutely certain, but that could mean the end of cocktail parties and room service, too.

American prisoner: "Hello. This is Joe Smith in Cell 234. May I have a large pizza with all the toppings, except green mangoes?"

Kitchen worker: "Sorry, Mr. Smith. We've been told to serve only Indian food to everyone. Strict instructions from Mr. Aggarwal."

Smith: "What? That's terrible. What kind of prison is he trying to run? I thought this was a five-star establishment. My travel agent deceived me."

Worker: "Sorry, Mr. Smith. Do you still want to order something?"

Smith: "Of course I do. You people may be used to starving, but not us Americans. We're survivors. We'll eat almost anything if we have to. So please send over some lamb briyani, mango lassi and gulab jamuns. I'll try to survive."

As if these prisoners haven't lost enough privileges, Aggarwal also announced that the soft drink kiosk within the jail premises would be shut down. And who knows, if the prisoners don't behave, they may also lose the hard drink kiosk.

As you can imagine, the foreign prisoners did not take these changes lying down. Neither did their respective embassies, which protested that the prisoners' food habits are different from Indians. Indeed, their digestive systems may not be fully equipped to handle daal and roti. Indians, as we all know, produce special enzymes for such food.

Even so, Tihar officials were undeterred. "If Indian prisoners jailed in the UK or the US are not served daal and roti, why should we make separate arrangements here?" Aggarwal said. He makes a good point about the treatment of Indian prisoners in America. Not only are they deprived of daal and roti, many of them -- believe it or not -- do not have their own televisions. Yes, they have to share TVs with other prisoners. They can't watch whatever they want. No Bollywood movies -- they have to settle for Hollywood.

As if that isn't bad enough, some Indian prisoners do not have access to the Internet. They can't send email to their relatives in India, let alone chat with other inmates. How are they supposed to plan their next crimes?

The conditions could get worse, of course. If India deprives American prisoners of bread and pizza, America may deprive Indian prisoners of the Food Network. No tasty dishes, no Padma Lakshmi.

Indian prisoner: "Hey, why are you taking my television away? How am I supposed to occupy myself? I'm tired of sitting on the toilet."

Prison warden: "Sorry Kumar, we're just treating you the way Indian prisons treat Americans. We're also taking away your CD player and your whirlpool."

Kumar: "Please! Not my whirlpool. Take my recliner, but not my whirlpool. What are you trying to do? Punish me?"

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