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Oil's Well in the Saudi Kingdom Melvin Durai Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer and humorist. Born in Tamil Nadu, India, he grew up in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. In 1995, while working as a reporter for a daily newspaper in Chambersburg, Pa., he began writing a regular humor column. His weekly column now appears in several newspapers and on a number of Web sites. He also writes a twice-monthly column on Indian and Indian-American issues. He is a diehard fan of the National Football League and also likes to run, lift weights and play soccer, tennis and pool. An award-winning feature writer and aspiring novelist, he plans to publish a collection of his best columns. You can write to him at comments@melvindurai.com To read his older columns, go to http://www.melvindurai.com Visit http://www.sawf.org/humour to read Melvin's past columns on SAWF.

Leave Saudi Arabia alone. They're our friends. They've got lots of oil. We've got lots of cars. Without them, we'd have to do something we haven't done in ages: walk. Walk to work, walk to the mall, walk to McDonald's to use the walk-through window. Repeat after me: "God bless Saudi Arabia! Long live the monarchy!"

Leave Saudi Arabia alone. They're our friends. They're trying to keep the price of oil down, trying not to get so filthy rich that their servants start hiring servants. Who knows, they may even tinker with the oil price to help President Bush get re-elected.

Saudi prince: "Mr. Bush, we oilmen need to stick together. May you have four more years!"

Bush: "Thank you, your highness. And may you have four more wives!"

Prince: "Ha ha! That's funny, Mr. Bush. By the way, what are your daughters doing these days?"

Bush: "Ahem. They're ... uh ... in the Peace Corps. Serving in Lesotho."

Leave Saudi Arabia alone. They're our friends. They may not be a democracy, but they're at least trying to spread the wealth around to every member of the royal family. They have more than 5,000 princes, some of whom, sadly, do not have their own palaces. So next time you feel like complaining about high gas prices, think about those poor princes who have to share a palace.

Leave Saudi Arabia alone. They're our friends. They may cut off the heads of suspected rapists, murderers and drug dealers without a fair trial, but at least they never cut off our oil supply. They execute four times as many people as the state of Texas, but they're certainly not the only country trying to impress our president.

Leave Saudi Arabia alone. They're our friends. Fifteen of the Sept. 11 hijackers were Saudi natives, but that was before Saudi police realized that the Osama Center for American Hits was not teaching people about pop music. They've made a commitment to fight terrorism, whenever they're not fighting liberalism.

Leave Saudi Arabia alone. They're our friends. They allow us to open military bases on their soil -- and they never call us infidels in public. Sure, they sponsor religious extremists, but how else do they get their citizens to abandon sinful living? They're really concerned about human wrongs -- that's why they have little time for human rights.

Leave Saudi Arabia alone. They're our friends. They may not have freedom of press, but at least they have freedom oppressed. They may not treat their women well, but at least they treat their camels well. Women aren't allowed to drive or travel alone, but most of them do have good jobs, right in front of the stove.

Leave Saudi Arabia alone. They're our friends. They're trying hard to reform themselves. Take our word for it: They'll eventually be a democracy. Just give them a few hundred years.

Saudi Prince: "Mr. Bush, since we're such close friends, I want to share something with you: I'm hoping to have an election."

Bush: "Really? That's great news. When are you having this election?"

Prince: "As soon as my doctor gives me the Viagla."

For an email subscription to Melvin's regular weekly columns (not the ones that appear here), go to www.MelvinDurai.com

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