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Lets Have More Rain-Producing Weddings Melvin Durai Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer and humorist. Born in Tamil Nadu, India, he grew up in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. In 1995, while working as a reporter for a daily newspaper in Chambersburg, Pa., he began writing a regular humor column. His weekly column now appears in several newspapers and on a number of Web sites. He also writes a twice-monthly column on Indian and Indian-American issues. He is a diehard fan of the National Football League and also likes to run, lift weights and play soccer, tennis and pool. An award-winning feature writer and aspiring novelist, he plans to publish a collection of his best columns. You can write to him at comments@melvindurai.com To read his older columns, go to http://www.melvindurai.com

Have you ever wondered why meteorologists have so much trouble forecasting the weather? They predict sunshine in Bangladesh and the next thing you know, people are swimming to work.

But don't blame the poor meteorologists. They have to consider dozens of factors, including the moisture-content of clouds, the direction of wind, and the number of people performing rain dances.

As if that isn't bad enough, they now have an additional factor to consider: the number of donkeys getting married in Tamil Nadu.

I'm not kidding. I recently read that villagers in Velayuthampalayam organized a wedding of two donkeys to pacify the rain gods. The villagers recalled that a similar donkey wedding 30 years ago produced lots of rain during a drought. This proves at least three things:

(1) Donkeys are more valuable than I thought. Why pray for rain when you can bray for rain?

(2) India has a major shortage of donkey matchmakers. Remember: A donkey wedding a day could keep the drought away.

(3) Donkeys tend to prefer arranged marriages. We've heard of at least two arranged marriages involving donkeys, but not a single love marriage. Perhaps the next generation of donkeys will be different.

It won't be long before you see donkey matrimonial ads:
"Owners of a male donkey, well-trained, healthy, pleasant-smelling, seeking responses from owners of suitable brides with good teeth, beautiful tails and fair complexion. Preference will be given to Tamil-speakers."

For the recent wedding, the bride and groom had to be rented from nearby Kottur village, because there were no donkeys in Velayuthampalayam -- at least not single donkeys.

The wedding was performed at a Ganesha temple, complete with mantras, flowers and a feast. More than 200 villagers attended the ceremony, some of whom, no doubt, claimed to be relatives. Anything for a feast.

The donkeys, more accustomed to rough treatment, were garlanded and fed milk and bananas, prompting the groom to whisper to the bride: "If I had known marriage would be this good, I would have done it years ago."

The villagers collected Rs. 2,000 for the marriage, perhaps to send the donkeys on a nice honeymoon. Where do donkeys go? Who knows, maybe Ass-am.

Did the wedding actually produce rain? As the villagers might say, "No drought about it." Perhaps they got only a few inches -- or perhaps they were treated to a virtual monsoon.

Whatever the case, it's certainly worth bragging about. America may have sent a man to the moon, but India knows how to control the weather. If donkey weddings can produce rain, imagine what elephant weddings would produce. I just hope India never runs out of eligible animals.

Critics may frown upon donkey weddings, but let's not forget that we've had worse pairings in history, such as Michael Jackson and Lisa-Marie Presley. Not to mention Elizabeth Taylor and an entire army of men. I'm sure Taylor is quite envious of the divorce rate among donkeys.

Perhaps it's wise to focus on the bottom line: Human marriages often produce pain, whereas donkey marriages produce rain. You can't complain about that. Even if you're a meteorologist struggling to predict the weather: "It's going to be sunny today throughout Tamil Nadu. Wait a minute! You'd better get your umbrellas out. We just got a report of a donkey wedding!"

Credits
Donkey animated graphic Copyright Jeanine A. Rachau.

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