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"These mothers-in-law: no matter whose mother-in-law they are and how nice they are otherwise, why do they suck as mothers-in-law?" Years ago, a friend had wondered once. I had no immediate insight. But the question has bugged me since. I remember what my own mother-in-law had exclaimed in fond memory of her mother-in-law. "It is very hard being a mother-in-law; my mother-in-law was good at it, and I don't know if I can be as good!" I had found it surprising coming from someone as confident as her, who had, time and again, proved that she was better than anybody at any job. May be mothering-in-law is hard. Unlike mothering, for which there are books, classes, and support groups, poor mothers-in-law are left alone to do their mothering-in-law without any training or support. Also, while a daughter may wait until her teen-age years to find fault with her mother's mothering, a daughter-in-law, may be much quicker to find fault with her mother-in-law. The role of the mother-in-law in a joint-family is significantly different from her role in a nuclear family. While more and more South Asian families today are shifting toward a nuclear model, mothers-in-law are not being adequately prepared for it.

Therefore, there seems to be a need for a mother-in-law prep school. Perhaps I should wait for my daughter-in-law to arrive before deciding on the exact curriculum for such a school. But not knowing how long I would live after my daughter-in-law has had a chance to decide whether I pass or fail at my mothering-in-law, I have decided to give it a head start now based on observations made by other people's daughters-in-law. Also, how can I be sure that when I become a mother-in-law, I won't change my mind to work instead on a prep school for daughters-in-law? Actually, just like cute little babies can grow into heart-burning, sleep-depriving teens, timid daughters-in-law may grow into terrorizing mothers-in-law. So it may not be a bad idea for both daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law to go to the same prep school for all ers-in-law as long as the classrooms allow only one in-law per family.

Perhaps the basic belief of the prep school could be something like this: We believe that all ers-in-law can learn to be loving and caring toward one another. The mission statement could be something like this: Our mission is to help women learn to develop friendships with their ers-in-law.

And what are some of the topics that may be incorporated into the curriculum of the er-in-law prep school? The following basic points come to mind. I invite the readers to make other suggestions.

Who is in charge where? In the laws of the land, jurisdictions are usually quite clear. In the work place, departments and administrative units and their boundaries are well-defined. But in the unwritten and changing laws of the household, there seem to be frequent confusions about jurisdictions resulting in collision and injury. For example, if the ers-in-law live under the same roof, who is in charge of the primary activities of the area under that roof? The answer seems simple for nuclear families, because only one er-in-law is a permanent resident and others would be visiting, living temporarily under the roof. Therefore, logically, the permanent resident (moth or daught) er-in-law, should have the jurisdiction. She, should be in charge and her responsibility should include decision making for the household as well as hospitality toward the visiting er-in-law. But in practice, it seems that many mothers-in-law behave like visiting circuit court judges, assuming decision making roles as they visit their sons' nuclear homes. This practice often leads to problems. Another common problem is that the er-in-law in charge ignores her hospitality duties toward the visiting er-in-law, and even worse, expects the visiting er-in-law to take charge of hospitality toward the permanent er-in-law. This can be a silent call for war. In a joint-family, where there are multiple permanent resident ers-in-law, usually there is an invisible implicit org chart that the newest daughter-in-law figures out slowly through observation and guessing. The resident ers-in-law could make the org chart explicit and help the new daughter-in-law get oriented.

Who is married to whom? You are married to your husband. Your son to your daughter-in-law. Your mother-in-law to your father-in-law. You are not married to your son. Your husband is not married to his mother. Simple and clear, right? Not! While clarity is usually maintained in the sleeping arrangements, confusion seems to prevail in other aspects of life in problematic families, such as, mother and son spending more free time together than wife and husband, mother and son making more decisions together than wife and husband, mother and son having bank accounts together instead of wife and husband, mother and son going to more places together than wife and husband. Healthy families show lifelong friendship between wife and husband. I have seen that wife's lack of friendship with her husband sometimes manifests in her forming an unusual bond with her son which in turn stands in the way of her son's developing friendship with his wife. Thus, the first step to being a good mother-in-law often starts with having a good fulfilling marriage.

Fear of losing a son. Mothers-in-law often have fear of losing their influence over their son to their daughter-in-law. This fear brings in rivalry and makes friendship with the er-in-law impossible. But by the time your son is ready to marry, he should be able to live by himself, take care of himself including the basic cooking, cleaning, shopping etc. But more importantly, he should be able to make decisions on his own without your help. In other words, you should not have any influence on his daily life. You should have nothing to lose to your daughter-in-law. Sure, your son may come to you every now and then to enjoy your fantastic cooking or his childhood memories. But he should be able to live on his own in case you suddenly drop dead. Ancient India had a wonderful stage of life called Vanaprastha. When children were educated and able to earn a living and start a nuclear family of their own, parents detached themselves from the children and traveled in quest of spiritual wisdom and peace. But somewhere along the line, Indians abandoned this nice system, and instead, concentrated on building joint family empires and ruling them into old age. With build-up of power and attachment to it, come the fear of its loss and efforts to protect it. I am a strong advocate of the old Vanaprastha idea and reinterpreting it for modern times. Another fear women have is that the son may not support his parents financially or may not take care of them when they are old and not able to take care of themselves. This is a valid fear, and is a real problem if the family is so dependent on the son. At the same time it is important to remember that a man has the financial responsibility for his own children and not for his siblings. South Asian men with good relationships with their families do help their parents and siblings to the best of their abilities. If your son has strong feelings for you, and plenty of money, his chances of helping are more if you get along with his wife than if you do not. Therefore, try not to let the fear stand in your way of making friendship with your daughter-in-law.

Fear of losing family traditions. Another common fear you may experience as a new mother-in-law is the fear of losing family practices and traditions. The daughter-in-law may bring new traditions with her from her natal family and may want to follow them instead of (or in addition to) your family traditions. Get to know your daughter-in-law before trying to convert her. Find out her likes and dislikes. Share family traditions with her but don't impose them on her. Let her share her natal family traditions with you and who knows you may enjoy those too. Let her see the values of your family traditions by enjoying them. Give her the time to make the new traditions part of her life. If your son values the traditions, your daughter-in-law is likely to make an effort to adopt them and incorporate them into her nuclear family. People do what is enjoyable and avoid what feels like a punishment. Try making the traditions enjoyable for the whole family and especially not a punishment for anyone.

Daughter-in-law treated as a legal immigrant and not as an illegal alien. Because of the patrilineal nature of South Asian families, in a way, daughters-in-law immigrate from their natal families to their affinal families where they become new members (are reborn) and a formal transfer of location occurs symbolized by the new family name they assume. This is somewhat like you leaving your country and becoming an immigrant and eventually a naturalized citizen in another country. It is just as difficult as settling down in a new country with different customs, traditions, expression styles, and rules. It takes time to adjust to the new family. A young bride may go through various stages before accepting your home as her home. First, a honeymoon stage, where the newness feels enjoyable but unreal with a feeling that it will not last. Then comes a period when one misses home terribly. Then, slowly the bride gets used to the fact that it is her new home whether she likes it or not and tries to use humor to accept things that are different. Finally, years later, true understanding and appreciation develops and one calls the new family her home. Expecting overnight adjustment is unrealistic and can only cause unhappiness. And just as an immigrant cannot cut off his relationship with his country of birth, a daughter-in-law cannot cut off her relationship with her natal family. This expectation is asking for trouble. The more hospitable you are as a mother-in-law and the friendlier you are to the bride's natal family, easier is the transition on the part of the daughter-in-law and happier the whole family. Under no circumstances should a daughter-in-law be treated like an illegal alien, with reduced rights or benefits, or with threat to deportation to her natal family, which she left for good according to the patrilineal system.

Self-esteem and self-care. When you feel good about yourself, you wouldn't have a need to make your er-in-law look bad in comparison. When you value yourself as a person, you will be able to value others for who they are and not for their circumstances. Self-care is not selfishness. It is an essential part of life. If you are not well you cannot take care of others. Self-care means assuming responsibility for yourself and being independent from others for your happiness. When you are happy with yourself and independent you will have less need to depend on your er-in-law for your state of mind.

Non-Competitiveness. Today's society values competition. Competition with others can give one the drive to succeed in business and produce better consumer goods. But competition within the family between family members can only bring unhappiness to the family. Especially, when two ers-in-law compete for attention from the same man they both love, home can become hell. It is important for the daughter-in-law to remember that her mother-in-law will always be the first woman in her husband's life. She is the one who nurtured him to life and raised him to be a man. You must honor that special relationship and know that you will never be like her or replace her in his life. Try to get to know her as a person. What does she like? What does she dislike? You must also remember that your mother-in-law is not your mother. She will not have the same feelings for you as she has for her daughters. She did not see you grow up. You will not have the same feelings for her as you have for your mother. It will take both of you a long time to develop feelings of love for each other. Closing doors on each other prematurely will prevent this friendship from developing. Hard feelings for his mother on your part can stand between your husband and you. It is important for the mother-in-law to remember that her grown son needs his wife as his partner more than his mother. She may not do things the way you would but it doesn't matter that much in the long run. Your son and your daughter-in-law have to figure it out for themselves how they want to live their life together. You must learn to let go. When both ers-in-law honor and respect each other's positions in the life of the man they both love, and not compete with each other for his affection, they will notice that the man they love is capable of loving both in different ways.

Assertiveness and effective communication. When you can express your opinions, needs, and desires without imposing them on or sacrificing them for your er-in-law, you will be happier. When you are able to listen to your er-in-law with empathy, you are opening doors to friendship and family happiness. It is unlikely that your er-in-law and you will see eye to eye. Even your sister and you probably disagree on many things. Disagreeing is only a natural and human expression of individual differences among people. Disagreements can be expressed and accepted with respect and grace without hurting one's feelings. There is potential of friendship between ers-in-law, it is their common womanhood, common experiences related to their womanhood. This potential often remains undiscovered due to lack of communication and fear of loss. When you use mind reading, guess work, and symbolic gestures without use of direct conversation for communication, you are risking misinterpretation and misunderstanding.

Compliments rather than criticism. Compliments are easy ways to win friendships and criticisms are sure ways to lose them. Learn what to say or not say to minimize hurt feelings.

Problem solving and conflict resolution. Being able to determine whose problem it is, and if it is your problem, learning to take effective steps toward initiating a solution can help prevent problems from escalating to tear families apart. If your son and daughter-in-law have a problem you can leave it to them to work it out. If your husband and mother-in-law have a problem, you can leave it to them to work it out. Most likely your intervention will not help. It might hurt. No need to make it your problem. If you and your er-in-law have a problem, it is better to talk to her directly about it and not to your son(husband). A third party intervention may be unnecessary and may hurt instead of helping.

Keep money and employment out of relationships. Any monetary expectation in any form is a killer. Don't touch dowries even with a nine-foot long pole. It creates a problem to begin with. Your daughter-in-law, if educated, can earn more than what her father can provide as dowry. If in spite of your request, the daughter-in-law brings in substantial gifts, honor those as her sole property, because they are. Dividing the household chores between all residing family members including the visiting er-in-law is healthy as it brings in unity and harmony. But expecting the er-in-law to bear the burden of most household work or most baby-sitting makes it unpaid work and brings in resentment and unhappiness.

Learning to leave your past behind. If you suffered in the hands of your mother-in-law, your daughter-in-law need not pay for it. You don't have to repeat what you did not like.

Saheli is an all-volunteer non-profit support and advocacy organization for Asian families in Austin, Texas. Saheli's mission is to help victims and survivors of domestic violence to heal, and empower them to make choices for a life free of abuse. We spread awareness of various forms of oppression against women and children through community outreach and education. We form a bridge between the Asian community and local services to cross the culture gap. Saheli's vision is to work toward preventing abuse in family relationships, to break the cycle of violence and pursue a cycle of peace. For more information about Saheli, visit www.main.org/saheli
To contact us call (512) 703-8745
or send e-mail to: saheli@usa.net

Opinions expressed in this column are those of the authors alone.

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