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Matrimonial Ads Can Be Quite Entertaining By- Melvin Durai Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer and humorist. Born in Tamil Nadu, India, he grew up in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. In 1995, while working as a reporter for a daily newspaper in Chambersburg, Pa., he began writing a regular humor column. His weekly column now appears in several newspapers and on a number of Web sites. He also writes a twice-monthly column on Indian and Indian-American issues. He is a diehard fan of the National Football League and also likes to run, lift weights and play soccer, tennis and pool. An award-winning feature writer and aspiring novelist, he plans to publish a collection of his best columns. You can write to him at comments@melvindurai.com To read his older columns, go to http://www.melvindurai.com

A recent column on matrimonial ads was so popular that I decided to write another, this time focusing on the actual language found in some ads. If you ever need a good laugh, just read some of the long matrimonial ads on the Internet.

Here are some actual lines that appear in such ads, followed by the suggested reply from a potential mate.

--- Male, age 28: "I have a very high IQ value at 160 in terms of the standard deviation, which equals 99.999% of the general population according to several IQ tests that I have successfully taken."
Reply: "Wow! An IQ of 160? Is that even possible? You must have a big brain and an even bigger head. If we get married, we'll have to buy a home with wide doorways. But on a positive note, our children will be very smart (in terms of the standard deviation), and they'll also be able to write sentences as well as you."

--- The same 28-year-old male: "I plan to have a stable and loving family with two children (named Jay and Jasmine) in a nurturing and caring environment."
Reply: "Ah, what a relief. You've already picked names for our children. Now all I need to do is give birth to them. That's the easy part. I just hope I don't produce two girls. The one named 'Jay' would have an identity crisis. But since you want a nurturing and caring environment, maybe we could pay for a sex change."

---Male, 33: "You can be a homely girl or a professional... does not matter."
Reply: "That's good, because I happen to be a homely professional. A very homely computer professional. In fact, I'm so homely, my boss never lets me meet any of the customers."

---Female, 28: "I am easygoing, and generally friendly."
Reply: "That's cool, because I am handsome and generally honest."

---The same 28-year-old female: "I seem to possess the best of Indian values with a fair amount of modern thinking mixed in. . Regarding caste, I have to work within the rules laid down my elders - you have to be a Tamil Iyengar, preferably Vadagalai too."
Reply: "Yes, you certainly do possess the best of Indian values. I'm so glad that modern thinking hasn't ruined your appreciation for India's wonderful caste system."

---Female, 27: "It'll be a dream come true if you're at least 5'10" because your princess cannot survive without her high heels."
Reply:"You'll be glad to know that your prince usually looks 5'10". He, too, cannot survive without his high heels."

---Female, 33: "I would describe myself to be approximately 101 lbs., slender, fair complexion, US citizen (born and raised here), non-smoker, drink rarely, and non-veg."
Reply: "Can you please be a little more exact about your weight? I'm very particular and don't want to marry a woman who's an ounce over 101 pounds."

---Male, 25: "Have been a strict vegetarian, teetotaler, and non-smoker/non-drinker throughout my life."
Reply: "Wow! You've been both a teetotaler and non-drinker all your life! That's a rare combination. You deserve to be commended."

---Female, 29: "I want to wake up everyday eager to see a pair of deep, beautiful eyes and a heartwarming smile. I want to whisper, "Dearest, will you have raita with the pulao?" What can I say!! I am a very hopeful romantic!!"
Reply: "No, you are a hopeless romantic!! Nothing is more romantic to a man than a woman offering him food. Especially raita with pulao!"

If you placed a matrimonial ad with any of these lines, I have just one thing to say to you: Thank you. I needed that laugh.

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