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CRICKET: INDIA'S PASSION, AMERICA'S INSECT Melvin Durai Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer and humorist. Born in Tamil Nadu, India, he grew up in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. In 1995, while working as a reporter for a daily newspaper in Chambersburg, Pa., he began writing a regular humor column. His weekly column now appears in several newspapers and on a number of Web sites. He also writes a twice-monthly column on Indian and Indian-American issues. He is a diehard fan of the National Football League and also likes to run, lift weights and play soccer, tennis and pool. An award-winning feature writer and aspiring novelist, he plans to publish a collection of his best columns. You can write to him at comments@melvindurai.com To read his older columns, go to http://www.melvindurai.com

If there's one major downside to living in America, particularly for people of South Asian origin, it's that cricket takes a backseat to almost everything. Ask the average American man if he likes to watch cricket and he'll say, "No way. They're far too noisy. I'd much rather watch grasshoppers."

But ask the average Indian man if he likes to watch cricket and he'll fly into a rage, tearing at his hair and shouting, "Cricket! Don't ask me about cricket! I'm not talking about cricket until we beat those $%&*# Aussies!"

Most Americans are more familiar with Jennifer Aniston's bra size than the rules of cricket. Many don't even realize it's a sport, let alone a popular one. They may claim to be experts on bowling, but don't ask them to name a single pacer or spinner.

The sports network ESPN gives American viewers hardly a second of cricket news, preferring to televise more popular sports such as log-rolling and nose-picking. Cricket doesn't even merit as much coverage as the National Spelling Bee, though most of the young contestants, unlike cricket fans, have no idea how to spell "Harbhajan" and "Tendulkar."

The spelling champ is often honored on the front page of USA Today and other top newspapers. For cricket maestro Sachin Tendulkar to receive that much attention, he'd have to go on a batting rampage, clubbing his opponents to death. Even then, it probably wouldn't be the top story in America, especially if Jennifer Aniston gets a new hairdo.

While the 2003 Cricket World Cup captivated a billion people in India -- many of them praying not for their own health but for Ashish Nehra's sprained ankle -- thousands of Indians in America had to shell out $299.95 to DISH network for the privilege of throwing objects at their TVs. "Come on, Ganguly!" they screamed. "You're batting like my grandma!"

India's early-round loss to Australia sparked a frenzy that few Americans could fathom, even with the aid of beer. Fans in Kolkata staged a mock funeral for captain Sourav Ganguly, while those in Mumbai burned posters of Ganguly, Tendulkar and Virender Sehwag, displaying enough venom to frighten an army of cobras.

Judging by the anger, you would have thought the cricketers had done something dreadful, such as wearing the colors of Pakistan. Losing to such a formidable foe would have caused a mere ripple in most countries, but produced a monsoon in India, with cricket fans staying up all night to think of ways to torture the players.

Mumbai fan: "We'll paint Ganguly's head and pull Tendulkar's nails off."

Friend: "No, yaar. Let's paint Tendulkar's nails and pull Ganguly's head off."

Imagine the pressure on the Indian team when they faced Pakistan a few days later.

Ganguly: "OK, team, here's the plan. If we win, we're dancing all night. If we lose, we're defecting to South Africa."

Meanwhile, in America, most people were far more relaxed, their country not embroiled in cricket matches, just the prospect of war. Few had any clue that a World Cup was taking place, which made it easier on some cricket fans.

Computer programmer: "Hello boss. I won't be coming to work today. I'm not feeling well again."

Boss: "That's too bad, Ramesh. Have you seen a doctor?"

Programmer: "Yes, boss. Dr. Gupta is here right now, checking my blood pressure. I hope my health insurance covers this. It's costing me $299.95."

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