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End of the world By- Sunanda Vashisht Sunanda was born in the beautiful valley of Kashmir, India when Kashmir was known for its unparalleled natural beauty and not as a cauldron of fear and terror. She did most of her schooling in Delhi and dabbled with several professions before moving to U.S last year. she is currently pursuing higher studies here. she likes to introduce herself as an explorer because she wants to spend all her time in this world exploring unknown. Writing for her is a cathartic experience. She can't remember when she began writing first but she does know that writing has always helped her to be at peace with herself and with the world around her.

It was a sunny winter morning as I stood in my backyard listening to that fateful music. Suddenly I was transported back to those days long back when I was much younger and had happier and younger dreams. I remembered the days when I used to get excited more often and there still were things in the world that could surprise me. Life is nothing but a roller coaster ride, I had heard people around me say. Today I couldn't agree more although the phrase was a much cliched one. As I stood there reminiscing the past I remembered a day in my life which had altered the entire course for the rest of my life. It wasn't a terribly earth-shattering event, nor had the universe come to an end. But, in my little world there had been a terrible upheaval. A huge flood had swept everything around me and I was left to pick up my tatters and begin life afresh. Sometimes little nothings matter so much. That day something in me had died never to be born again.

That fateful day, I was frantically waiting for the clock to strike seven. It was only quarter past six and I had a long time to wait. While waiting for ominous doorbell to ring I was reminded of the conversation between Revathi and me, the same conversation that had ensued between two of us countless number of times.

"For heaven's sake Revathi, I am right now in no mood for another of your bra-burning feminist lectures. You have developed this great skill for linking everything to feminism. I haven't even asked for your opinion on this, in fact I am just informing you "the cycle of events."
"Yea sure! Just for your information you have been telling me about these "cycle of events" almost a million times now. And let me inform you that unless you do something about these "cycle of events", as you prefer to call them they will soon become history."

I knew Revathi was angry with me now. That was so much like Revathi, she liked things to progress the way she wanted them to. Earlier I had often tried to argue with her that certain things should just take their own course and that's better for all of us. She never agreed and now I had even stopped arguing. She liked to be in control. She has been reading too much of Virginia Woolf as a student and likes to have a "room of her own" I concluded.
"I care for you, Seema, I don't want to see you hurt" said Revathi softly. Despite all the differences Revathi and I both knew we had no one but each other to fall back on in tough times and even in, not so tough times.

"Seema, Revathi continued, I want you to take initiative. I want you to tell Rasik exactly what is on your mind. And all this rubbish about men should be the ones to take the initiative is really spoiling your case. He hasn't said anything for last eight months and you are just getting drifted away with him. Seema, you have to know what is in his heart. It really doesn't matter who takes the initiative; we are not living in dark ages, for heaven's sake."
Before I could answer her, another colleague of ours called Revathi. " I have to go now . You finish those samosas. And while you are at it, please think about your life."

While I was biting into the samosas, I thought that Revathi was wrong. I still believed that men like women to be more subdued, inquisitive yes but not questioning at every stage. I must give Rasik time. After all what is eight months in a lifetime, nothing at all. I ate the final remnants of that samosa and realized that they tasted rotten.
I don't know why Revathi orders those rotten samosas all the time.

The doorbell rang, and I got up with the bad taste of samosa still lingering in my mouth. I walked slowly towards the door and in the process stole a glance at the mirror. I was satisfied with how I looked today. I looked quite nice in my casual kurta and dupatta. I had purposely not dressed up too much. Didn't want Rasik to feel that I had dressed for him. Actually I knew I wanted to look good for him, but that thought was deep hidden inside me. I wanted him to know that I was as casual as possible and this was nothing but normal for me. I smiled to myself, doorbell rang once again and I rushed to open the door.
"I am sorry. I hope you didn't have to wait too long."
"No no," Rasik said in his characteristic smile. His smile always made me feel weak in my knees. I couldn't walk. I forced myself to smile.
"Are we ready to go?" asked Rasik.
"Oh yes, of course" I stammered, "I just need a minute. Why don't you sit inside in the mean time? I will be done in a minute."
"Take your time, no problem" he said in a matter of fact manner and proceeded to sit on the chair placed right next to the mirror.
While I was giving final touches to my make-up and hair I heard some noise outside.
I came out and saw Rasik fiddling in the fridge.
"What are you looking for, I am sorry I didn't even ask you for water", realizing how hot it was outside.
"No, no, I don't want water, I was just seeing if any of my walnut cake was left, any leftovers I mean" he looked at me mischievously like a child who thought that I had hidden his cake somewhere.
"No, there is no cake left. I thought we were going to dine out so I never made any cake for you this time. Next time."
"Sure!"
"Of course, I replied."

"Ok, are we ready to make a move and before we go I need to ask you what time do you need to be back home?"
"At a decent time of course."
"What is a decent time? twelve? one? two? "
"Please let us get out of here first and then I will tell you when I need to get back.
Depends on how well you entertain me. You see."
"All right, there will be no complaint ma'am".

I followed him while descending the stairs. I realized that he was quite tall and wore a Grey shirt with a black trouser. Rasik always knew how to dress well and of course he always smelled divine. I had noticed that the first time I had met him. That was the first thing that attracted me towards him.
"You first" said Rasik opening the car door for me.
"Thank you!" I said softly.
If anything, Rasik was a complete woman's man. He knew exactly how to impress any woman. Smart-ass! I told myself.
"I love it when you sit in my car.", said Rasik slowly starting the engine
"Why?", I asked
"Because my car smells good for days then."

This was so much like Rasik. He would never compliment you like everybody does. He has to do it in a convoluted manner. He would never tell you that he loves the perfume you are wearing. He has to think of weird ways to compliment you. I loved this quality of his. Revathi thought that he was a smooth operator. 'Smooth operator', I said in my mind and looked at him. Rasik was looking straight ahead. No not him, I thought.
He won't betray anybody ever, not me at least.

"I should have taken you out on a weekend. Wednesday is no day to ask a woman for a date." "Doesn't matter", I said.
"Of course it matters, I should have taken you out on a weekend, I would have been fresher then, and I would have worn really cool clothes and tried to look your worthy date partner. Look at this, while you look stunning I am looking like a babu" he smiled at me waiting for me to answer.

I knew he was dressed extremely well for a weekday and he looked no less stunning. He knew it too very well. Just his kind of humor, he tries to laugh at his own expense, which is a wonderful quality. How many of us can do that?

"You are looking just fine. I said. In case you are fishing for compliments I can say more." I loved this war of wits between him and me. And I knew he loved it too.
That was the best part of our relationship, I thought. 'Relationship? No.' I sighed. 'Just an acquaintance', I corrected myself.

"What good is this stupid battle of wits, Seema. You are always wondering what the other person is going to say," Revathi used to say, while analyzing my relationship, well acquaintance.
"You don't understand Revathi, I like to be on my toes, and keep the other person on his toes. I hate it when you get complacent in your relationship, everything gets so boring."

"You are out of your mind, Seema"

"The weather is really nice today. In fact I thought it was going to rain this morning that would have been really nice." I heard Rasik saying. Suddenly he stopped "what are you thinking"
"Nothing much. The weather is really nice today. By the way where are we going? "
"Don't worry, I won't kidnap you"
"Well I have every right to know where I am being taken. "
"It is going to be an evening you will remember for a long time. Isn't that enough? "

I smiled, "you haven't changed Rasik, and you are so much like I used to know you long time back. I mean long time back when we just knew of each other, when we weren't this close" I said the last sentence softly hoping that he wouldn't hear it.

"What music do you want to listen to" he suddenly said. As usual he was wriggling out of all emotional talk. This had been the regular phenomenon for last eight months.

"Anything" I said.

"Do you want to listen to those sentimental and sad ghazals, you always listen to? Ok anything for you today. I promised you that this would be the evening you would remember"
I was laughing softly now. Rasik hated my kind of music. He thought ghazals were meant for mentally deranged people and he thought I was one of them. I had heard that often. And I would be always amused.

"Jagjit singh, you love that man. Ok Jaggu uncle for you." He smiled and he switched on the tape.

"kaun kehta hai ki mohabbat ki zaban hoti hai
yeh hakikat to aankhon se bayan hoti hai"

The tape played and my heart pounded a little. Is this going to be the ultimate evening? Is he going to say it today? "He better say it today! Revathi had said." And if he doesn't say anything today then you better call it a day"
"I am sure he will say it today," I had told Revathi.

Rasik was driving and I closed my eyes. I heard Rasik cursing suddenly.
"I am disgusted; it has been impossible to drive for last three days on these roads. I don't know what they get out of making everybody's life miserable"
"What happened?" I asked.
"Oh nothing these stupid Independence Day celebrations. They have blocked every road here, where is one supposed to drive?"
I could hear loud voices in the background and see police barricades everywhere.

"Why don't you park your car here, we will walk wherever you want to go. It shouldn't be a long walk from here."
"That's what we will have to do." He sounded irritated. We stopped in the parking lot and started walking on the pavement.
I could hear noise in the background. "They are rehearsing for the 50th year of Indian independence," I heard Rasik say.

"So much of noise," I said. "I guess this is what they call music these days."
"You bet!" said Rasik.
"I am sick of this pop patriotism Rasik," I said after I saw some teenagers who had painted their forehead in the tri-color. "What are they trying to prove? 50 years of independence, we haven't got rid of poverty, illiteracy, population is exploding like nobody's business. What kind of independence is this? And what are we celebrating with so much of enthusiasm. In fact this should be a moment of retrospection when we as Indians should hang our heads in shame, because we have failed to achieve the real freedom from what really plagues us. "

I suddenly realized that I was talking too loudly. Rasik stopped and looked in my eyes. I was little flustered. I was always uncomfortable when he looked at me like that.

"You are a born debater."

"Oh! Come on, this is not a debatable issue for me. I really feel this from the bottom of my heart."
"I know, I can't mistake the sincerity in your voice. "
"Stop making fun of me. You always do that"
"Ok I am sorry, here we are"
"You first!," said Rasik as usual opening the restaurant door for me.
"Thank you," I said suddenly feeling very light and happy.

"Coffee for you and tea for me to begin with, right?"
I smiled "this is not the first time we are eating out you know me too well."
"No I don't," said Rasik. I looked up startled.
"I don't know you too well Seema. I never know what is going on inside that brain of yours." I was slightly angry.
"I should be saying that and not you. I never know what is going on inside your brain. You always end up giving me surprises, shocks I should say."
"What have I done now, Seema?"
I suddenly realized that I was over-reacting. I checked myself and forcing a smile said, "I mean even when you are with me, and I feel you are so distant. There is this wall between you and me and no matter what I do, that wall has been growing bigger and bigger every time we meet. "

"Good evening sir! What would you like to start with?"
A young waiter, barely in his twenties stood by our side.
"What would you like to begin with, sir?" He asked again because both of us hadn't replied.
"Oh! I am sorry, we haven't really looked at the menu yet. Would you please get us some coffee and tea to begin with and in the mean time we will decide about the dinner." Rasik said slowly.
"Why don't you decide what to order, remember it is your day," Rasik said. I knew he was trying to dispel the tension in the atmosphere.
"No wonder you are so skinny!" He suddenly took me by surprise.
"Now where is that coming from? "
"You worry too much. Let life take its own course, Seema, things will become clearer."

The loud sounds of musicians rehearsing could be heard in the restaurant also. There was noise outside and there were noises inside my heart. I couldn't decide which one was louder. Both kind of noises were giving me a severe headache and I looked at Rasik who was playing with the napkins placed on the table. Something inside told me that I must prepare myself for what is coming next because I was sure it isn't what I was expecting.
"This is the first time we are out on a formal date, aren't we, Seema? No wonder I am so nervous." He laughed loudly.
"First formal date with me, Rasik. It is definitely not your first date."
"Well, you are right. But for some reason I am behaving as if it is my first date."

It is true that Rasik and I had known each other for about four years now, but we had really been seeing each other for eight months. It had taken three and a half years to get to the point where we could even start talking to each other. And last eight months had been hardly intimate. I had given up on Rasik literally, when he surprised me by calling me on first of January to wish me a very happy New Year.
"Happy New Year to you!" Suddenly I had heard the voice on the other end of the phone say.
"Who is this please?," I had said.
"What is this ? You don't even recognize my voice now, Seema?"
"Rasik, I had said gleefully. I don't believe this. I didn't know you were in the town."
"I am not in the town, stupid. I am calling you from Bombay to give you good news. "
"I have been shifted back to Delhi and I will be there next week. "
"Really, that is so wonderful."
"Yes I am so glad to be back home. What are you doing these days? "
"Nothing much, Rasik. Still working at the same old boring publishing house."
"Now that I will soon be back, I want to hear all the juicy details of your love life. "
"Sure! You will be disappointed to hear that there are no juicy details and I am still mourning my non-existent love life. "
"Are you kidding me, what happened to all those men in college who were ready to lay down their lives for you? "
"Rasik, this is a long distance call." I had heard myself say suddenly in the harsh tone of a schoolteacher. "When you come back we will talk. "
"O.K. Ma'am. As you wish. When we meet I have some excellent news to give you. You will be really happy to hear what I am going to tell you. Anyway a very very happy New Year to you. "

"Have you decided what to order?" My thought process was disrupted.
"I don't know, you decide. I am ok with anything."
"I told you it is your day. "
"I know I still want you to order. "
The noises outside were really getting louder and louder. The loud speakers were placed everywhere and I could hear latest version of vande-matram being sung.
The original vande-matram used to be so beautiful. I don't know why this generation is so far fetched from beauty. The concept of beauty and elegance has really become so vague these days. "And could you please make it fast?"
I heard Rasik tell the waiter. He had finished ordering when he suddenly looked at my coffee and said, "What happened, you don't like the coffee? You haven't even had a single sip"
"No, I was just waiting for it to cool a bit."
"I thought you liked your coffee steaming hot."
"How do you know, I never told you that."
"I know lot more than you would imagine."
"Yes! I believe that Rasik," I said trying to laugh and stay calm.

Suddenly there was silence between us. Rasik was writing something on the napkin. It was very hot. August is a hot month in Delhi and even air conditioners seemed useless in this weather. Rasik wiped sweat from his forehead, still looking at the napkin. And I was sipping my coffee.

I couldn't figure out what to talk to him about. I guess there is nothing more to talk. I concluded.
"I think we should straight get to the point, Seema."
"Yes!" I was taken aback.
"I know you have been going through a lot of mental trauma because of me, don't think I am not aware of all these things."
He was looking straight into my eyes. I couldn't see his eyes clearly because there was little dust settled on his glasses. But I knew he was looking directly at me. And I was as always feeling weak.

"I have been going through hell myself. And now things have started looking up and that's why I wanted to inform you."
"Inform me! Inform me what Rasik?"
"Seema, you have every right to be angry with me. But I couldn' t have brought up the topic unless I was completely sure."
My heart missed the beat. Is he finally about to say the magical words. I was waiting.

"Do you remember that girl called Shalini in your class?"
"Shalu yes of course, what about her?" Why is he talking about shalu now of all the times.
"Shalu and I have finally decided to get married"
Suddenly the loudspeakers stopped outside and I could clearly hear the irregular beats of my heart. I couldn't even hear properly what was being said.
"Well, Shalu and I were together in Bombay. And we kind of got close. And then you know how it works. Shalu has a mind of her own. She was still in Bombay when I came here and before coming here I had proposed to her. Remember I had told you that I was going to give you great news when I called you from Bombay. I thought she would instantly agree to my proposal. But she took eight months to make up her mind. And imagine I went through so much emotional turmoil during these days. It is so difficult to know what is going on in the minds of women. There is no difference between stock exchange and a woman. Both are unpredictable. Both can ruin you with equal ease." He was laughing loudly at his joke.

He looked so happy that he didn't even realize that I wasn't laughing. I wasn't even reacting.
"Seema, I am so happy today. Shalu has not only said yes. She is even quitting her job in Bombay to come here. It is so important to be together in a relationship, she said to me last night."
"I am so sorry I didn't tell you all this. You know me, I behave weirdly sometimes. You are my best friend, I should have told you. You even asked me so many times. But I couldn't bring myself to tell you anything. But I have been dropping hints now and then. I thought you had guessed." Hints! Of course! But I have been really stupid Rasik; I couldn't understand anything of those hints. I was telling myself.
The waiter came with the food-laden trays and neatly placed them on the table.
"Thanks so much, we will help ourselves. I heard Rasik say."
He had suddenly become oblivious about me. I thought I didn't even exist for him. He was so much caught up in his own thoughts.
"Umm the food smells good. Why don't you start Seema?"

Hints! Rasik was right he had been dropping hints in the past eight months, but I had refused to see reason.
"I won't be surprised if he has a girlfriend tucked somewhere in Bombay," Revathi had told me once.
"What rubbish, if it was anything like that I would be the first one to know."
"Don't be so sure sweetheart. Why does he go to Bombay so often, can you tell me?"
"He has official work there, of course."
"Of course I believe that. And do I have to remind you that he goes to Bombay mostly on holidays and weekends. No offices are open on weekends and holidays."
"You just have a habit of making mountain out of a molehill," saying that I had rushed out of the room, extremely angry and hurt.

Why didn't I believe Revathi then, I was out to hurt myself in the name of love, I guess.
"You see I used to fly to Bombay so often, because I wanted her to make up her mind," I heard Rasik saying with food still in his mouth.
Normally he never talked with food in his mouth, he was very careful of his manners. But today everything was forgiven and forgotten, he had found his love today. It was such a special day for him.
"These have been the hardest eight months of my life."
Mine too, I told myself.
"She wouldn't understand that I had joined a new office. I was so stressed out at work and to top it all she would tell me everytime that she needed some more time to think. Initially I thought it will take couple of weeks, weeks turned into months and she was still indecisive. Well all is well that ends well. Today I don't want to think of the eight months that have gone by. I only want to think about the days that are ahead of us."

There is nothing ahead of me anymore Rasik. I will probably be spending all my life thinking of these eight months gone by. I have no hope left anymore. My world has died. I was almost sobbing inside.
"I think you should finish your food fast," said Rasik looking at his watch suddenly. "It will take us a long time to reach home because of these irritating traffic diversions."

He called for the check and I stood there stupefied. I wasn't sure what was happening around me. I was simply doing what he was telling me to do.
I have been betrayed, I was telling myself. The noise inside me was growing so loud that I was almost sure Rasik could hear it too, but I was wrong. How could he hear what was going inside me. The wall between us had grown so much that now we could hardly see each other. Our vision was disrupted. No he could never hear the noise in my heart, however loud it grows.
"Bhagwan ke naam pe ek rupya de do"

Suddenly I could feel someone pulling my duppatta. We had stopped just outside the restaurant at a paan shop. This was Rasik's favorite paan shop. He always stopped to eat paan there. Should I buy some polo for you, he was asking me when I could hear an urchin calling out, 'Bhagwan ke naam pe ek rupya de do'

I looked around and saw the little urchin, standing there in torn shirt and knickers. He was bare footed, his skin was dark, and his bright yellow eyes were burning bright in the darkness of night. He must be just about seven or eight years old, not more than that. I told myself. And I am sure he hasn't had a proper bath in months, I could tell just by looking at him. Bhagwan ke naam pe ek rupya de do..

Suddenly I saw a strange kind of kinship between him and me. He was begging for what he didn't have. Somebody had robbed him of his happiness, of his childhood. And had reduced him to a beggar. At least he could beg. I couldn't even beg for what I had been just robbed off.

Both of us are beggars. We are just begging for different things. The similarity startled me. I just banished the thought and took out a rupee to give to him.

"All these bastards who will be lecturing us from the red fort tomorrow on the Independence Day eve are responsible for this menace".
Rasik was telling the paan waala. He knew him well.

"Sahib garibi, aur laachari to gayi nahin is desh se. yeh neta log kaisi azaadi ka jashan mana rahe hai. Samajh mein nahin aata."
"Bilkul theek kah rahe ho bhaiyaa", Rasik answered.

Suddenly the urchin, who was still standing there, asked for some paan masala. The paan walla gave him the masala, he had asked for and took the rupee, the urchin had taken from me.

And the little boy disappeared in the darkness.

"You know why he bought that paan masala, Seema?" Rasik asked me while we were walking towards the car.

"Pan masala is supposed to kill hunger. With that one rupee you gave him, he couldn't have bought food, so he bought that pan masala to kill the hunger at least. "

I was shocked.

"I am telling you the truth", Rasik said while opening the door of his car for me.

Well, at least he could buy the pan masala to kill his hunger. Where will I buy pan masala to kill my grief? At least his potion to kill hunger is available everywhere. Even with all the money I have; I can't buy anything that will cure me of this grief.

"Good night!" I heard myself saying while slamming the car door.
"Good night. I hope you enjoyed yourself. I will call you again. "
The engine started and Rasik too got engulfed in the darkness.

"Don't call me again." I said loudly as if I wanted the air and trees and the road to hear.

I too want some paan masala to help me come out of this grief. Unfortunately that is not available anywhere.

As I unlocked the door the phone rang.

I picked up the receiver and heard excited Revathi on the other side.
"You little naughty girl , where have you been all this while? Tell me what happened?"
"Can I talk to you tomorrow, Revathi? I am a little tired right now." saying that I kept the receiver down.

Aye mohabbat tere anjaam pe rona aaya.

This old Begum Akhtar ghazal was ringing in my head. I was too tired to think. I could feel my world coming to an end.

"Don't be stupid, Rasik is not the ultimate guy in this world. I anyway hated him. Can you imagine being in love with a guy called Rasik. The name itself is repulsive." Revathi said when I narrated the story to her.
There still is hope, Seema, even if love is lost.

Unfortunately I have to disagree
This is a world of unequal emotions, and the balance is never quite perfect. I am not sure if unrequited love has power and romance all of its own and if it has enough to live by itself. When all emotion is spent, the final curtain falls, that of indifference. And that is the end of the affair and something in you dies then, never to be born again.

The little urchin and I were the same eventually. Something had died in him and in me. Next day as usual the sun rose in the day and in the night moon spread its brightness everywhere. The world looked the same but I was never the same.

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