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A Room of My Own By- Sunanda Vashisht I was born in the beautiful valley of Kashmir,India when Kashmir was known for its unparalleled natural beauty and not as a cauldron of fear and terror. I did most of my schooling in Delhi and dabbled with several professions before moving to U.S last year.I am currently pursuing higher studies here. I like to introduce myself as an explorer because I want to spend all my time in this world exploring unknown. Writing for me is a cathartic experience.I can't remember when I began writing first but I do know that writing has always helped me to be at peace with myself and with the world around me.

"It is already six p.m. and I still have so much to do," thought Diya while placing two golden candles on the dining table. "I want to be done with everything before Amit comes in". "This is going to be a real nice surprise for him."

Swiftly, Diya changed the tablemats and the linen making sure that everything looked coordinated. She was very good at table laying. She had picked it up from her mother. She looked at her table setting and muttered loudly, "Even mom is going to be proud of me today."

She finally placed the yellow carnations in the center of the table. The yellow flowers matched with her new crockery she had bought for today. It was a very special day for her. She wanted to make it very special for Amit too and hence a personal touch to everything.

"Now I must go and get ready," thought Diya. As she was going to her room the phone rang.
Hi! Diya! Happy anniversary, many happy returns of the day.

Rohit! What a nice surprise? How are you? It is so nice to hear your voice.

"I am fine, just wanted to wish you and Amit a very happy anniversary."

"Thanks so much. Rohit, I haven't seen you even once in last five years. You can't be that busy. Why don't you drop in sometime? "

"I will Diya. Anyway, what are you guys doing tonight?"

"Oh nothing much, a quiet dinner at home. I am not much of a restaurant person, you know. I prefer the calm atmosphere at home and Amit is not here anyway. I mean he has gone for some official visit to Ahmedabad. He should be here any minute though."

"All right, you have a nice time. I will talk to you again."

"Sure Rohit. Take care of yourself. Thanks so much."

Rohit was the only person who never forgot her birthday and her anniversary. For last five years that she had been married, Rohit religiously called her twice a year, on her birthday and her anniversary.

"How can I ever forget your birthday, Diya?" Rohit had told her last time he had wished her on her birthday.

Rohit was Diya's best friend from college. In fact, Rohit, Meera and Diya were the best of friends in college. College was so long back, mused Diya. Today Diya was a married woman; Meera had gone abroad to study further and was seeing some firang guy, last Diya had heard of her.

Rohit was the brightest of them all and a dreamer. He worked for the best known advertising agency of the country and called himself a dream merchant.

"Rohit is in love with you" Meera often told Diya. "What rubbish!" Diya would always dismiss Meera's statement. But deep inside she knew that Rohit indeed was very fond of her.

Although she had never encouraged Rohit she knew that she too had a soft corner for him. But three years of college got over and they all went their separate ways. Rohit never said anything to her and she too never acknowledged her soft corner for him. However Rohit made sure that he kept in touch wherever he was. They had never met after college days, in fact Diya had invited him for her wedding but he never came. Later he told her that he had to go out of town for some important work. Diya knew why he had not come. She had never brought it up with him though. She had never called him. She had never even asked for his phone no. She had been so busy running the household and looking after Amit.

Diya looked at her watch. It was 7.30 P.M. Amit should be here any time now. She sprayed her favorite perfume and looked at herself in mirror. She had bought a new dress for herself for this occasion.

"I have just gained a couple of pounds since marriage, but I don't look bad. In fact I still look gorgeous". Diya said to herself and smiled loudly. "Amit should really consider himself lucky for having me as his wife, she said complementing herself."

Diya was considered one of the good-looking girls in her college. Her teachers adored her and her friends considered her a boon. More than anything, Diya was known as a very good painter. She had displayed her paintings in Triveni Art Academy once and had won a great amount of critical acclaim from all other renowned artists. In fact an art critic had even written about her in a daily newspaper. That had been the finest moment of her life. After college she got accepted at the prestigious J&J school of arts but luck had something else in store for her. Her parents had insisted that she get married because her aunt had recommended Amit. He was a very nice boy, from a very good family, and had an excellent job.

"But mom what about my career. I have so much to learn yet and I am still learning how to paint."

"Painting is just a hobby my child. You can pursue it even after marriage and Amit is a modern boy, he will have no problem if you want to paint. "In any case why don't you meet him once." Saying that her mother had put an end to all further discussion about this topic.

Her aunt had arranged a meeting for Amit and her in her home. Amit was a conventionally handsome boy. He was tall, fair and had a very good physique. Diya couldn't find anything wrong with Amit. She just didn't want to get married. "Give me one good reason why you don't like Amit, her mother had asked".

Diya couldn't think of any reason.

And within two months Amit and Diya had got married.

The doorbell rang and Diya rushed to open the door. Amit looked tired and smiled faintly at her. He threw himself on the sofa and closed his eyes.
Diya sat next to him. "You look tired", she asked.
"Tired, I am nearly dead. You have no idea how much I have to work. I haven't had any time to rest for last two days."
"I have been calling you in your hotel room since morning. You weren't there."
"That's what I have been telling you. I have had no time to be in my hotel room. I have just been at the construction site for last two days. But this hotel is turning out to be a real masterpiece Diya ", said Amit excitedly.
Amit was an architect and was extremely passionate about his work.

"I am so glad", smiled Diya.
"Has he forgotten?", thought Diya. She was almost sure that as usual Amit had again forgotten their anniversary. Today she was determined not to remind him. "He will soon know," she thought.

"Why is this place so dark. Please switch on the light and what happened to the electricity. Why are the candles burning? You do strange things Diya ". Saying that he turned on the lights. He seemed to notice nothing unusual in the house today. Probably he was too tired to look around. "He is even too tired to notice me," sighed Diya.

"Is the dinner ready, I am kind of hungry."
"Oh yes, why don't you freshen up while I get the dinner ready."

"This project is going to be my swan song. Just you wait and watch. Once this project is over, your husband will be counted among the finest architects of the country."
"Had he really forgotten everything about their anniversary." She still nurtured hope.

Diya ate her dinner quietly, mostly hearing what Amit had to say about his work. The dinner got over and as Amit was getting ready to sleep, Diya tried one last time.

"Are you sure you haven't forgotten anything"

Amit was half-asleep. "No I don't think so", and soon he was snoring on the bed.

Something in Diya told her that she should shake him out of his deep slumber and remind him that five years ago on this day they had agreed to be each other's soul mates.

"Soul mates! Sure", Diya couldn't help the scorn in her tone.

This had been their story for last five years. Amit had completely immersed himself in his work and Diya had never felt more neglected.

"Amit don't you think we should spend more time with each other. I mean we never seem to be spending any time together". Diya had often tried telling Amit.

"We have all our lives to be with each other. But these days are not going to come back again. This is the time when I have to work hard, make enough money and be successful".

"You don't know the world outside; nothing succeeds like success here. I have to be the best architect to survive in this market. I have so much to think about and you feel I should be sitting at home and counting stars with you, or admiring your dresses or your face. I don't believe in all that fake romanticism."

"Amit you are completely misunderstanding me. That is not what I meant. Of course, I realize the importance of your work. All I am saying is that I too need to spend some time with you"

Diya faltered. She knew Amit was loosing temper. She knew that Amit was a very short-tempered person. He could get angry very easily and Diya was very scared of him when he lost control of himself. He could even turn violent on small issues and Diya had been victim of his violent actions more than often.

"Amit and I don't speak same language" she had concluded. "He doesn't understand what I am telling him. He just interprets everything the way he wants to."

"You want a doormat and not a wife" Diya had told him once immediately after marriage, and Amit had slapped her right across her cheek.
"You little whore! That will teach you not to talk back to me like that. "

Diya had not expected this. No one had ever spoken to her like that. She was dumbfounded. She didn't know what to say. She felt hurt, humiliated and so small.

Amit had left her like that and for days there had been no communication between them. Diya told her mother about this incident and said she didn't want to live with Amit anymore. Her mother was horrified. This is such a small incident. These things are normal between a husband and a wife.
"No they are not normal, mom. This means that he has a sick mind. Mom, I am not living with a wife batterer any more, I have made up my mind."

"Shut up! I will kill you with my own hands if you ever talk like that again. He is your husband. He has every right to do whatever he wishes to with you. Why can't you keep him happy. Why do you have to back answer him. Why can't you be a good docile lovable wife. If you give him love he too will reciprocate it. But your brain is full of useless thoughts. You will just bring misfortune on yourself." Her mother had told her angrily.

Diya understood that she had been caught in a vicious circle and there was no deliverance. She had to bear it alone. She had to face it alone. Her own mother also refused to see her plight. That was the last time she had spoken to her mother about Amit.

Diya tried to sleep. But sleep deluded her. "What am I doing with the man who doesn't even respect me. I am nothing more than a maid for him". Diya sobbed to herself. She felt so lonely. Suddenly there was this urge to talk to Meera and Rohit. They were the only ones who understood her. She should speak to her friends.

Next morning, Diya performed her chores as usual. She made the bed switched on the geyser, for Amit to take a bath, put his towel and clothes in the bathroom and made his breakfast.

While Amit was having his breakfast, Diya softly whispered to him, "Happy belated anniversary, Amit."

Amit looked up. "What does that mean" he said dryly.

"Yesterday was our fifth wedding anniversary, Amit."

"Oh Really! I am so sorry. Why didn't you tell me."

"I tried calling you early morning, but you were not in the hotel". Said Diya quietly.

"Oh! Now I understand the candle light dinner and everything yesterday. You should have told me Diya."
"You were too tired to notice anything. And anyway how does it matter to you. It is just like any other day for you. Your work is more important to you than anything else" Diya couldn't control herself.

"Diya don't start all that again. I forgot and I am sorry. Just leave the things at that. "

"Why should I leave the things at that," Diya flew in rage? "For the last five years what have you given me. Every single day I spend with you, I feel humiliated. You have no respect for me, no regard for me I am just like an inanimate object lying in this house, like this stupid sofa, or this silly phone."

"Stop it! Diya. I don't want to spoil my mood early morning. Just shut up!"

"Why should I shut up! I sat up all last night crying and sobbing in the bed. Did you notice? No! You were too busy sleeping."
"Amit we live under the same roof but we live like strangers. You treat me like a maidservant I am disgusted."

"Will you shut up on your own or."

"Or you will beat me up that has been the story of our marriage for last five years."
"Amit the whole world might regard you as a successful architect, but for me you are a wife batterer and nothing else! I detest you."

That was too much for Amit to tolerate. He got up and pushed her really forcefully. "I told you to keep quiet you whore!"
Diya got up to save herself, but in the process he caught her hair and threw her towards the wall. Diya could feel herself being thrown with a force. She tried to hold the table near her but she fell down with a huge thud. For a second she couldn't see and almost had a blackout.
"You force me to manhandle you," she heard Amit saying. "I was so much better off without you in my life. If you think I am that disgusting and you can't tolerate me why don't you leave me. Why are you hanging on to me like a leech? Just get lost from my house and my life. I am sick of seeing your disgusting face everyday. Just get out of my life and leave me alone."

Diya got up with lot of effort and tried hard not to cry. "I wish I could leave you Amit. We have become insufferable for each other. But unfortunately I can't leave now because I am pregnant."

Amit looked at Diya and stopped for a second. He was almost at loss at what to say. His face was almost betraying surprise and disbelief at once. Suddenly his face hardened and he said "If you are pregnant then it is your problem not mine. Do you understand that!"

Diya was shocked.
"What are you talking about. If I am pregnant it is my problem how can you even utter these shameful words. This is your child too, don't you feel responsible. How can you even say those words, I don't understand. No husband on this face of earth must have said something as despicable as this ever to his wife. You are not fit to be either a husband or a father, because you are a selfish conceited pig who can't look beyond himself."

Today, Diya would just not keep quiet. Despite blood trickling down her forehead she was determined to speak. The volcano in her seemed to have burst today. Nothing could stop Diya today. She seemed to have lost all control, all inhibition and she was all out to bare herself today.

Amit was more thick-skinned than she thought. He let Diya be there, he went to his room, sprayed some perfume, brushed his hair and left for his office without saying anything to her.

Diya kept lying on the floor for a long time. She couldn't feel any physical pain. The blood stream trickling down her forehead coagulated after a while. All Diya could feel was sense of nothingness and betrayal. She felt so lonely. "The worst punishment for any human being is to be lonely," she told herself.

She could see the images of her former self in front of her eyes. She used to be so carefree, so peaceful and so contented. She had lost everything in the course of five years.

"I cannot lose myself that easily." "You have only one life. Make the best of it," her father used to tell her.

For one man whom she was forced to call her husband she could not loose herself. I have to go she told herself. Suddenly she felt her belly and faltered "but what about this child, she thought," Nothing could stop her today, not even the nascent maternal instincts, no not even those. She got up, Washed her face and looked one last time into the mirror as if she was seeing herself for the last time in that helpless condition.
She saw Dr. Padma'a phone no. in her diary.
'Dr. it is urgent that I meet you just now. "
"Yes, extremely urgent, can I come in right now?"

That evening when Amit returned home, he was surprised to see Diya all dressed up almost ready to go.

"Where have you been the whole day. I called so many times. I had forgotten this important file at home. Where were you?

"Can you sit down for a while Amit, I have something to tell you."

Amit looked at Diya's face and was stunned. She looked white as a ghost and completely worn out. She almost looked ill. Amit had never shown any concern for Diya but today even he was aghast to see her face. Five years of marriage had transformed her so much. Amit couldn't even recognize her.

"I have decided to go away from your life." Diya tried to keep all emotions away from her speech. She had told herself that she would handle this in a dignified manner.

"I have really thought hard Amit. I have realized that we are just not meant to be with each other. We tried and both of us tried real hard to make it work but unfortunately it didn't. Our lives have come to a stand still and today we are nothing but an eye sore for each other. Instead of adding any more misery to our lives it is better that we separate. I really think that will be good for both of us."

Amit sat there looking at her. He didn't know what to say. He somehow mustered enough courage to look at her and say "but you can't go now, Diya, what about the baby?. "

"The baby is no more." Diya said softly and sternly looking straight into Amit's eye. It took a minute for the sentence to sink into Amit.
"What do you mean the baby is no more what have you done" Amit was almost shouting.

"I got the pregnancy aborted today. "

Amit couldn't believe what he was hearing. "How could you do that without seeking my permission? How could you kill my child without asking me, Amit was almost hysterical with anger now."

"It wasn't your child. Remember you told me this morning that if I was pregnant it was my problem." Diya said slowly and confidently.

"Since it was my problem I handled it the way I wanted to. I did not want this child."

"Diya, I know you are lying to me. You can't do that. You have never made any decisions without me." There was pain in Amit's voice.

"Yes that was till yesterday but not today. I am a transformed woman from now onwards. I am completely on my own. I am going to find my true self. That is why I am going away from your life. "

"Go! Get the hell out of here. What have you ever given me that I should feel sorry for you. You have been a parasite feeding on my blood for five years. I am happy you are going." "You are a murderer, you have killed my child. Go away. I don't want to see your face even."

Diya picked up her bag in which she had packed few clothes and her books.

"Don't ask me where I am going because I don't know myself. But one thing is for sure. I won't bother you anymore from today. I won't live like a parasite any more." She could feel the lump in her throat. She didn't want to cry in front of Amit. She quickly took her bag and went away.

She didn't even say goodbye to him one last time. Amit hadn't even looked towards her. He was just sitting there in a daze. He had no idea what was happening. He was almost sure that this was just her whim. She would soon come back. How will she ever survive without him. That's why he had not stopped her. "Why waste time. She will come back soon." He had told himself.

Little did he know that Diya had gone for good and he would never meet her again.

Diya walked out of the house with sure steps. She had set out to discover herself. The path was not simple but she was determined to find her self. She wanted an identity of her own; she didn't want to be known as Mrs. Diya Khanna any more.

Today as she walked out of Amit Khanna's house, she realized that nothing really belonged to her. What happened to the five years that I spent in this house, she asked herself. Except the sweet-sour memories she had nothing else to cling on to. It was a very empty feeling. She didn't want to think about Amit anymore. "Was he right or terribly wrong? Is he good or bad? She didn't want to think about those things anymore. She knew she would not be able to pass any judgement on the man she have loved so much and so dearly. As she walked out of what had been her house for last five years her regret wasn't that her husband had betrayed her, her sole regret at that point was that she had betrayed herself too. She had neglected herself too and that Diya knew was completely unpardonable. She knew that she could not let go of herself that easily. She was determined to find the purpose of her life in this world. The pain of leaving her home was of course there but she was contented that she was not adding any more wounds to the already existing ones.

Despite everything she was at peace with herself. She had set out on a tough journey to discover herself. Because only when you know yourself fully, can you claim to know others. In this huge world Diya wanted a small room for herself, where she would not have to compromise her dreams, a room where she would not have to be sorry for who she was. She had found a strange power within herself that was propelling her forward. Diya knew she would have to face a lot of hardships but she was determined to find a room of her own.

Credits

• Graphic by Suruchi Thakur.

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