Mayhwish comments : Reading roman urdu is quite difficult for those who can read URDU - Is there any possibility to have urdu version too?
Zb comments : Very true Mayhwish I too found difficulty in reading Roman Urdu so i gave up
Priti Bhandari comments : The article is good. As for Causes for divorce, I feel light should be thrown on issues such as husband or wife having extra-marital affairs too. In our society I have come across "men" having extra-marital affairs (may not be too serious) - but precisely for the sake of sexual pleasures. I fail to understand that while "most" of women in Indian society confine themselves only to "one" man for their sexual desires, but the men by default make it an acceptable fact that if they are not satisfied by their women, it is absolutely fine for them to indulge with another woman..not realizing how it would affect psychologically the other woman too.
Apart from the above fact, as for marriages in younger ages of 18 and 21, it should be discouraged to the extent possible, since at this age, most adults fail to stay with the realities of life. There should however be awareness programs for adolescent training by some psychologists wherein they are introduced to the relational problems arising out of lack of adjustments and also introducing them to the kind of adjustments that are required to be made in marriages. Marriages are taken for granted not just by people of younger age groups but also by mature individuals. It is no longer considered to be an institution providing mental, physical, emotional, psychological and social status to two individuals and all others attached with their families. It is being treated as an "arrangement" between two individuals only to fulfil certain "desires" and therefore I feel, this institution is running to shambles.
Anonymous comments : Well, its easy to say for an outsider that divorce is not necessary for reasons like joint family. What you are failing to see is that no girl fancies living a divorcee's life. It's not about simple adjustment. It's more than that. It's abt the attitute and support your husband can offer you, with whom you have to spend your lifetime with. simple things like constant criticism can cause much more damage than an extramarital affair, where you just face the truth one time and decide on your priorities. But constant unhappiness and criticism, what abt that?
Samuel Eapen comments : I came across your article while trying to find the rate of divorce in India for one my ethics class presentation. It's unfortunate the family values in our country is fast eroding and divorce is becoming more and more socially acceptable. I agree with you that divorce is morally permissble in case of extramarital affairs or in case of abuse, but to divorce your partner because of an incurable disease is morally untenable. Living as a single guy in a country where family values are almost non-existent, I do admire the family values we still hold to in India. I think we should continue to respect to these family values and be a model for the world.
PB comments : "Divorce" acually is not a solution to joint family problems. As long as you have a supporting husband, shifting from a joint family setup to a nuclear family setup would be a more amicable solution to persistant abuse and criticism from family members apart from your own husband. But yes, if there is abuse and criticism from your own husband for an intolerably long time, then divorce could be rightly sought for. All the same, living in a country where family values are held high...so to say atleast, i think...Samuel, it would be rather better if we could be a model for our own country first than try to be a model to the "entire" world...it's too large a sample!!
To add, I would appreciate if there are more comments on such issues herein. Infact this is a very good platter wherein one can interact with ppl and also share views...may be you know where your thinking needs to be upgraded, and where you are already thinking too far!!
Caroline Wray comments : I am writing a research paper comparing the very low divoce rate in India to the very high divorce rate in the USA. However, I can not find any data as to the exact rate of divorce in India. Does anyone have access to the that info or could direct me to a web site with that info? Thank you.
Naushad Hasan comments : nice opinion expressed by the scholars
Rosy Doad comments : if you husband does not care, love another and sleeps with others do you stay with him?? after 2 years of marriage he has not even spoken to me as a friend. had a arrange marriage. he is from canada and i am from india. he had a girlfriend he can not forget? what do i do?? i am 24. he now lives in another city and i live in his city with his family....this has been like this for 2 years
Ong Hui Lin comments : The article is pretty well written. Perhaps you can write a article like, "Should marriage be a lifelong commitment?" to further analyse why there is an increasing rate in the divorce cases.
Sreema.R comments : its very sad to know that even now learned people look down upon divorces where a woman takes the decision. yes there are cases where a marriage breaks because of a womans ego.but when a women is forced by a "mangal sutra" to suffer a cruel husband should she suffer like our ancestors?my grand mother ,my aunt both suferred and is suffering the cruelty of their husbands. my aunts husband took away all her wealth and now she is nothing more than a servant in his house.unfortunately i also married the man that he found for me.he turned out to be nothing different from my aunts husband.but i have my parents support. they told we dont want one more like your granny and aunt. and now i am happily staying with my parents .if god cant give a good son-in-law to our family then we accept that truth happily.
Diana M comments : Rosy, If he cheats on you & treats you the way he does, there is no point livingw with him. Get out of the marriage & find somebody else. Somebody who loves you and respects you. Men like your husband dont deserve to have the love of a woman like you.
B. OOMMEN M.D. comments : Divorce is a very heart-breaking and complicated matter. I was part of relationship that the wife was very abusive physically. I tried to work it out, however, it is far too complicated. It came to my knowledge, she witnessed abuse by her father upon her mother. Life was a big struggle then, but I gathered myself and moved on. Stay strong.
T.Subashree comments : Dear padasini,i have read the article it was very interesting. i would like to pursue a conversation with you. Kindly email me.
Venkat comments : I am not very clear about the force of the decree of restitution of conjugal rights. Can a wife force the husband to have sex? What happens if the husband refuses. Some elaboration will be useful. Some details can be provided about the recent case Sanghamitra Ghosh v/s Kajal Kumar Ghosh
Mini comments : I think in this day and age divorce is more important. I dont agree to live with a person who never understand you just the sake of marriage. Understanding each other is first thing wether it is a love marriage or arranged marriage. Even if it is a simple issue like joint family if both of them did not understand then how can they live like that for ever. Better they get separated and live with some who can understand them. Men should have more broad minded in accepting a divorced or widow women which is not happening.
Anil Kumar comments : 1.1% divorce rate in India isn't too high as compared to some of the worst in the world. We should be happy now, but concerned for the future.
I desperately need yours suggetion in my brother's case , who is being harrassed by his wife. june '06 he got married to a girl in Hyderabad (registration also at Hyderabad done.) . Both are working at Chennai. He's only son to my parents, who are dependent on him only, as there's no other source of income & their age is 65 years, 57 years , - father & mother respectively.
The problem is my brother's wife is arrogant, not respecting my parents and my brother, using abusive words , doesn't do any household work , not understanding , sometimes fighting to the extent of violence and wants to go separately. my brother is soft type & he including my parents are afraid of her. Always tension & fear thinking that "what will happen today?"
what can be done to get a divorce from harrassing wife.? boy is from chennai & girl is basically from Andhra. what are the complications as the girl is from other state. what are the evidence required to prove that the wife is harrassing. can we give a complint to police station. how to proceed..?
awaiting yours valuable suggesion
stella chennai
Sanskrity comments : Well, I think that we as Indians should stop talking about our values that hold us together. To hell with the hypocrisy of so called "Indian Values". It is perhaps our those "values" only that is keeping Rosy away from her husband, as she says he was having a girl freind before marriage and can't forget her now. What I get from her comments is that his was a forced marriage for the sake of our "Indian Values". I might be wrong but in that case it appears to me that only our values affected lives of three. I don't agree with those who say only financial and ego problems are the main cause of divorce. Personal satisfaction is more important. By personal satisfaction I don't mean only sexual satisfaction, but the inner desire of seeing someone as one's life partner is equally important.
Secondly, no woman wants to live her whole life in adjustment. But Indian women of middle class hardly speak up and they get habituated to live against their wishes. They learn to live for others and those who want to move out of it, face divorce. Sadly, number of such brave women are lesser in India.
It's high time that we stop using terms like "our values". "Our values" only lead many of us to live for the set up norms of society. I wish we could live for society and not for its norms.
I read your artilce it is very good. One case is little bit different . My cousin married with a girl . both of them are software professionals. But the girl cheated us. She has taken 50lakh Rs. loan before marriage and didn't told us before marriage about her debt. After marriage she only told my brother about it and he said ok but you are responsible for your debt. But afterwords her behaviour at home changed and she started misbehaving with in laws and her husband. She asked him to give his whole salary to her because she has to pay the loan and she didn't have money. She also told him to break his relationship with his parents and other relatives and come and stay separately with her parents. But the boy refused to do it and then she threated him that i will take you and your family to police and teach you lesson if you didn't follow me.
Now boy and his family is in trouble. All the laws are in favour of women. But now the girl is harressing my cousin and his parents and asking for money.
We really didn't know what to do ? Please tell us and guide us.
thanks
kusum
Vijayaprabha comments : Mam we also had a problem my husband is doing retail and wholesale business.Im lecturer in college with a professional degree and married with 100 souvarans of gold. That too our marriage is love and arranged. we had one female baby of 2 years old.we had problem from marriage in all caese because my husband is very close to the parents and sister whatever i speak he will convey to all this get devaited that too tyhier parents and sister illiterate.now my problem is all of them forcing to see the business and not to go for job.i lost my mother befor marrige and i had one brother and father. im leaving with my husband for 2 years, 1 year because of their parents we were seperated as they are saying my new born baby horoscope bad i also tolerated this then always al will hurt me that im not looking my husband, baby and business.my husband also did not do any facility in the house we had 2 rooms, want to take water from street, no mixie, washing macvhine and fridge i itself want to do all and want to look after all.now because of all my husband i had nomore talks for about month im living with my father and saying that he wants to divorce me.if anyone ask what is the problem they say that going for job is not good, not cooking properly.i love him too much im not in situation to divorce is there any possiblity to have divorce.
Raksha comments : Its true to say that couples can adjust to a certain extent. both the man and the woman should understand the needs and interests of each others and behave accordingly. But, for this, when the show comes to be a one man show, life is difficult, the term adjust has no values over there. I am married for five years and frankly, I had been a dump listening to all scaffoldings and fightings pushed on me very silently. But at one stage I had to revert back after three years which led me to an attempt of suicide . The final result was, I was there again to be blamed and crushed under their foots. Today Iam a little away from both my families with my husband, which, in other way is a problem to me. You can be in a joint family where elders try to encourage you and help you sort things. But not with one where they become the root causes of all family disputes, big or small. if the mother feels she cant be without her son, she should either not fix a marriage for her son or she should try to understand the feelings of the son and let her son and his wife or the so-called daughter - in- law of hers to lead life in peace. Life is hell with issues that cannot be resolved like this. When elders help in correcting the life of the young couples,on th one hand, they also stand as barriers, to be the main reason for ruining the peace and pleasure of their own child's life. SAD. Iam still with my husband , struggling, lacking courage to fight back.
Raveendran comments : Mam, I desperately need yours suggetion in my case , who is being harrassed by my wife. Feb '02 he got married to a girl in chennai (registration also at chennai done.) . Both are working at Chennai. I am only son to my parents, who are dependent on me only, as there's no other source of income & their age is 62 years, 57 years , - father & mother respectively. Recently father got strok at left leg.
The problem is my wife is arrogant, not respecting my parents and me, using abusive words , doesn't do any household work , not understanding , sometimes fighting to the extent of violence and wants to go separately. In this situation I have faild case against my wife for diverce on 2004, and she came for compermise after receiving tbe notice, aftertaht again she started to fight with my parants, actualy she planed to take separate house, her parants came to my house and they are taken my wife from the house, my relative went their for the compermise, they even listen our words, so again i have faild case on 2006, because there is no other way, again after 4months she came to me she requested me to withrow the case and she accepted to live with join family, 2006 december she consived 2nd baby and again she went her mother house without permission, again she refuse to come my house and she already taken separate house in railway quarters, which is she in un authorised person to stay at quarters.even though my family send me to stay with her at separte house, after 6months again she started to harrse me. hereafter i cant bear her tarcher. what can be done to get a divorce from harrassing wife.? what are the complications will be there. what are the evidence required to prove that the wife is harrassing. can we give a complint to police station. how to proceed..?
awaiting yours valuable suggesion I got married on 2002 and having two kids one female & male, I am only son to
Sahil Singh comments : Mam, my cousin brother got married beore 2 year in court and he did not tell to anyone in the family. now the problem is that girl parents do not like to to do marry with my brother, and they want divorce. both girl and boy are having same cast. Now both party are agree for divorce but the problem is that how can we apply for divorce and when will they get divorce how much time ?? Mam plzz give me reply becoz girl parents are very upset. try to release divorce quick as possible ... tel me
Rameshraju comments : I feel that the Indian Marriage system is going to dogs. The divorce rate has been increased considerably these days. Youth nowdays are unaware of human values, traditions, culture and Indian family system. Both boys are girls are getting divorced in no time after getting married. There are several reasons for these affects. The primary fault lies with the parents in bringing up their children. Children should be thought the tradition, culture, Indian marriage system, human values, ethics, morals etc. They should realize that bring up of girls different from those of boys, like that of swan and peacock. Individual independancy for boys and girls sometimes may lead to bad marriage. However the main reasons for the growth of divorce rate is (i) Man's egoism (ii) Women's employment (iii) Women's individual freedom and independency (iv) Attack of Western culture (v) decline of Joint family system (vi) Economic conditions (vii) Free life style.
In olden days, the main objective of an Indian woman is to get good husband into her life. She used to treat her husband as Live-God. She never fought for her individual freedom. Grand mothers used to teach their grand daughters about the behavior of a wife in her husband's house. Grand fathers used to teach thier grand sons about the responsibilty of a husband as a head of the family. There used be an organizational structure in those families. That is why ancient families used to last long. But where are these now? Man has lost love on his wife, a wife has lost her submissiveness towards her husband. However there is a need to protect the Indian marriage system.
The preventive measures are: (i) Encouraging Joint family system. (ii) Imparting morals, ethics, human values, tradition, and culture to children. (iii) Traditional bringing up of boys and girls according to genders . (iv) Taking movies about joint family system, morals and ethical values.
Venkata Krishna Kishore Mattapathi comments : Not necessary to take Divorce. Uderstand your partners mentality and his/her mind sets. All people don't care his/her life. Some people don't care to anybody and some people don't know to anybody. These people are more in our society. No commitment in hir/her life that guy's are not eligible for Marriage.
I have married with a girl, both of them are software professionals. But the girl cheated us. After two months her behaviour at home changed and she started misbehaving with in laws and her husband. She asked him to give his whole salary. She also told him to break his relationship with his parents and other relatives and come and stay separately with her parents. But I am not interested that proposal and she left from my life. Last year I filed Divorce petition in court.
San Moh comments : I understand that us trying to adapt to womens liberation by accepting divorce. The problem I see in marriage is its a contract where there are no equals.
The problem is men are brought up with the idea to help their parents. But women have become to question it since they are not expected to support. This causes a difference in opinion. Women have progressed (or misguided) to think that their husbands are to become like them. The issue here is the guy is more than willing to accomadate her ideas but she is not ready to sacrifice any of hers. Having an ego in a marriage will only cause its failure.
Most of the girl parents feel they need to support her through every situation, but they fail to step back and let their daughters handle the problems by trying to adjust.
Now the problem is divorce then what? Even in the west the families that are successful, one of the spouses gives in. The women india feel they are similar to the western women but the men dont. Till the women in India give men the time to catch up there will more divorces. Those who believe that divorce shows that women are getting liberated are wrong. I say this with respect, I feel women have long been CEO's of families where they work, manage and do stuff. Now if they dont want to continue, men will step up, but eventually the loss is the family's and not the society's.
San Moh comments : I understand that us trying to adapt to womens liberation by accepting divorce. The problem I see in marriage is its a contract where there are no equals.
The problem is men are brought up with the idea to help their parents. But women have become to question it since they are not expected to support. This causes a difference in opinion. Women have progressed (or misguided) to think that their husbands are to become like them. The issue here is the guy is more than willing to accomadate her ideas but she is not ready to sacrifice any of hers. Having an ego in a marriage will only cause its failure.
Most of the girl parents feel they need to support her through every situation, but they fail to step back and let their daughters handle the problems by trying to adjust.
Now the problem is divorce then what? Even in the west the families that are successful, one of the spouses gives in. The women india feel they are similar to the western women but the men dont. Till the women in India give men the time to catch up there will more divorces. Those who believe that divorce shows that women are getting liberated are wrong. I say this with respect, I feel women have long been CEO's of families where they work, manage and do stuff. Now if they dont want to continue, men will step up, but eventually the loss is the family's and not the society's.
Ritu Kumar comments : Hi, I think we Indians still have the old belief of considering the marriage as a thick thread that remains till death. and I can assure there are atleast 50% indian womens still agree to this. But what is surprising is even after keeping the husband on the top of our heart, they are never happy, after 2 to 3 yrs of marriage life. They dont, love their wife as much as they used to and they get bored and thats when arguments starts. In my case i am graduate working in London, I love my husband soo much, bcoz i came to know more abt the world only through him as i never had a boyfriend till my uni. He loved me and proposed and i accepted that don know how and y. I went beyond my parents wish and married him, which left my family in shock. Mu parents life became so difficult due to society and other stuffs, that they stopped talking to me. I didn do intentionally but i had no other option. But i realised that my husband after finishing his master in UK has bcum a bit westernised. He never called me his wife bfr his freinds or family, i didn take it serious. Since our marriage was not a social marriage, none of his realtivves are aware even today that he is married man. Days went and we started arguing bcoz of stress and since i have never workec in India, ane not been with different cultures I founded ver difficult to adjust in UK as my parents have not exposed us to the outside world. Also there my family was suffering all this ended up in arguments. I wanted a social marriage for recognition but he and his family kept on postponing this. My parents didn spk to me and i cildnt face them boldly, never cld i go back to home due to society problems. We still loved each other, I don know about but atleast I did. One fine day we recieved a news where my mother-in -law passed away. She was very humble person. I stayed with her for 2 mnths as i was living in uk. Thats was a gr8 shock to all. That made my husband really go into a little depression. I couldnt attend the funeral as his father said me not to come, bcoz the socitey wasnt aware of my realtion with his son. So i again made a mistake. After that my husband came back to uk, and went back to sort his brothers problem in few mnths. He said if you come with me to India you have to stay in service apartment and not at my place. I said in that case i m not cming I am fine where I am. After a mnth I went to India to sort this issues out as everyday I started feeling that he is misusing me, and one fine day he will walk out without any problems. He didnt even cum to a table of negotiation to sit down and speak the problems and sort them, rather he dropped me with my suitcase to my parents home saying, he doesn wan me anymore. I was in the biggest shock that the person whom I loved and sacrificed for, is today making me beg to him. I still begged to him, to keep me with him, and he responded if i don love u how can i be with u. To this suitation my in laws never made an effort to make us sit together and speak. Rather they just never spoke to me after that and made me feel like a stranger. I then came from my parents place to UK on my own, looked for a job, and its been more then a year I havent recieved a single call frm him and his family to know if I am dead or alive, all they can do is give an excuse of their mothers death. They never imagined what was going onwith me and my parents life. My husband has only met me once in past 14 mnths where he wanted me to sign a mutual divorce, by giving me 5 lakhs money. but i have not agreed to it , bcoz any amount can never bring back my parents respect, my life, my feelings or anything. I am living in UK as I have no one to support, niether do I know any lawyers or anyone, as I cum frm very middle class family. I still don know where am i goin and cant accept the fact that a human being whom i spend yrs together has not called me once to find out where i am. I also know that he and his brother are now residing in UK. I don know what plans he has as I will be going to India in June as he wants divorce and since there is no pint in waiting i will sign the papers. as there seems to be no other solution to this. Its a bit shame that i couldnt do anything to ruin his llife and he did everything he can. He is sitting somewhere and smiling and i m left in tears. Y r girls so idiot. I beleive all men are same , all they need is a fresh women every day on there bed. a women who is modern a women who goes and dances in clubs, basically one who is of same nature as they are. At the end he will escape without even getting a mark of married men, and i have to answer all the questions of society.
