Editor's note: This Poem was later posted on SAWF Poetry Section. To read more reader's comments please Click Here
Chaz Worthy comments : Reading "A Simple Mistake" left me with the thought that, no matter what the culture, heartbreak and rejection are brutal experiences. Perhaps the husband had another love interest before the marriage. I assumed it was an “arranged” marriage, which shocks most Americans (but not me because I think two strangers have just as good odds at a successful marriage as a “love match”. As a man raised in post-sexual revolution-era America, I can see how yearning for sex might motivate a man to follow through on a marriage in which he is very unsure of his attraction to the woman. However, what the man didn't know, what men like me learn via our myriad lovers, is that sexual desire quickly runs its course to the point a man feels contempt for the woman. Then he thinks he must divorce or feel extreme self-loathing. What this man in the arranged marriage doesn't understand is that the sudden boredom with sex is typical in every extended monogamous relationships. The knowledge that a man like me with hundreds of lovers in his past shares with the traditional Indian husband who entered marriage as a virgin with no options for divorce, is this boredom with sex must be worked through. The divorced husband in the story will remarry to find himself confronting the exact same dissatisfaction with a new women, perhaps a chosen woman whom he believed he “loved”. Only then will he feel pain for that first wife whom, I hope, finds herself in a country where men prefer their brides sexually experienced, where men see adult virginal women as sad creatures who will sure perform ineptly in the marriage bed. Perhaps in a place like the USA or Canada, this “ruined” Indian divorcee would be free from a silly “stigma” not of her own fault. Rejection is brutal but rarely kills, its pain is instantly relieved when a new lover arrives…and they always arrive.
That is a wonderful poem. But all the rituals, witnesses, rounds around fire can not bond a couple who isn't bound by the willful commitment. In a typical marriage, people go through these rituals before making sure that they understand the commitment they are making. I would guess, that if a man(or a woman) wants divorce after a short marriage, it is probably he married under some kind of parental/societal pressure. Well, that isn't too smart is it? Unless people (men/women) mature and make sound decisions, this problem will continue. People really have to take marriage seriously, not just after but before the marriage takes place. Lot of men (women too) do not have enough guts to stand up for themselves and resist the unwanted marriage before the marriage. So key to preventing such divorces, is for people to grow up.
About stigma of divorce, why are you assuming that only men divorce their wives? I am certain there are enough women initiating divorces too.
About attaching stigma to a divorce is just a matter of habit for people, same as stigma attached to unmarried adult women in their 30's and over, and a man without a job and so on. Yes people can be very judgemental out of their ignorance. It is all in numbers, since in India majority of people are married (tied together), the divorce is a stigma. When there will be more unmarried older men/women the same married folks will be clamoring to get divirced to conform to the norm.
I hope you see the humor in my response.
Pratibha
Indira Chakravorty comments : pratibha, i agree with you. marriage is a social custom and legal binding, but being mentally committed is the most important thing in a relationship. and in our society men and women do get tied down into the social commitment without being emotionally prepared and committed to each other. earlier people used to stay in that situation for their whole lives, now more and more men and women are seeking divorce after they get into the social and legal commitment. you are right in saying that they are being pressurized by family and society into it, and need to think before they commit themselves. you are also right that both men and women are going into divorce after a short marriage [in our work we see more men doing it than women, but definitely we see both]. the sad part is that the stigma of divorce sticks to the women more than to the men. we can see thousands of families having no qualms in getting their daughters married to a divorced man [especially if the man lives in a western country], but finding a family who would smilingly allow their son marrying a 'divorcee' is rare. we have also seen the women branded as a 'bad' woman, the whole family being stigmatized and many other repercussions to a woman being divorced--which makes the woman think twice before she asks for a divorce, even in an abusive relationship. on the other hand, if he does not want to stay in a marriage, a man goes straight for divorce without thinking twice. he has to face little or no stigma for it. there is, of course, exceptions to it, and that proves the rule rather than tilting the balance.
An idyllic world so embellished with the dreams of ages, longings and expectations... shriveling in the innanities of a ritual divorce... an unequal commitment underpinning this transition
but does it have to be ? the end of ALL worlds
Can one not see it... as it is as one thats dead....now perhaps it never lived with the same vibrance in the other....
To be 'used'
Why what happened... happened
The answers may well lead to unwelcome truths one where YOU if you did so abbrogated 'choice' in deference to anothers... or others...
I share with empathy the wild emotional.... raw thats left the 'emptiness'.....that screams in the spaces where love was plucked from and ripped out without care....
But that Is but one world.... there ARE many ... many many more If one looks...and one tries to savour.....
Thanks for writing a thought-provoking article ! Here are my answers to your posers -
What are some of the reasons a man would divorce his wife shortly after marriage?
Typical circumstances under which a man would do this would be - The guy has fallen in love with a local (not desii) girl but did not have the courage to tell his parents and get their approval. In a confused state of mind and unwillingly he gives in to the wishes of his parents (typical irresponsible attitude of several men) and marries the girl of their choice not realizing or giving thought to the fact that there are two lives at stake by him nodding a yes to his parent's choice eventhough he has no desire to marry the girl. Once married, reality (of his true feelings and his mistake) sinks in and instead of taking responsibility for the choice he has made willingly or unwillingly and making an effort to create a happy marital relatiosnhip, he once again acts irresponsibly and uses the weapon of divorce to undo his mistake.
The root causes of the entire mess
- absence of open and honest communication between parents and sons. - parents treating the marriage of their son - as a social prestige issue and hence imposing the girl of their choice on the son. - not enough time of courtship between girl and boy prior to marriage that can help them know one another before jumping into a life-long commitment like marriage.
How could such marriages be prevented?
By striking at the root of the problem. This means
- having honest and open communication between parents and adult children.
- for goodness sake, respecting the adult and grown up son's choice and co-operating with him when he chooses a life partner for himself. and for goodness sake, the grown up son for once behaving like a grown up and standing up for himself and taking responsibility for his happiness.
- girl's parents allowing and encouraging courtship (even if long distance) between girl and boy prior to marriage. this is the best risk management strategy the girl can take.
Why is there a stigma attached to the divorce status for South Asian women?
For South Asian women, there is stigma attached to so many things - divorce is just one of them. Being a woman itself is a stigma, then woman of certain caste is another stigma, woman of a certain skin colour there is a stigma, woman of certain length of hair - there is a stigma. So it is hardly surprising that 'divorce' should be yet another stigma. And frankly, as a south asian woman, i give a damn to such stigmas - they are just too many to be bothered about ! The women should be taught to hold their head high irrespective of stigmas attached. I would like to tell women folks who are concerned about such stigmas - if a person doesnt respect u because u r divorced or because u r a woman of certain colour or type - such person is not worth ur while anyway. So why bother ?
