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Animal Activists Often Go Too Far By- Melvin Durai Melvin Durai is a Pennsylvania-based writer and humorist. Born in Tamil Nadu, India, he grew up in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. In 1995, while working as a reporter for a daily newspaper in Chambersburg, Pa., he began writing a regular humor column. His weekly column now appears in several newspapers and on a number of Web sites. He also writes a twice-monthly column on Indian and Indian-American issues. He is a diehard fan of the National Football League and also likes to run, lift weights and play soccer, tennis and pool. An award-winning feature writer and aspiring novelist, he plans to publish a collection of his best columns. You can write to him at humor@melvin.com To read his older columns, go to http://www.humor.melvin.com

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) is continuing its efforts to protect helpless animals, hoping to save them from mistreatment and from being eaten by hungry people like me.

PETA's brilliant new strategy, conceived from surveys, focus groups and brainstorming sessions, consists of throwing pies at government officials. It's the kind of clear thinking that shows once again why humans are superior to animals.

Arathi Jayaram, a 23-year-old PETA member, recently protested the consumption of meat in America by throwing a pie at Agriculture Secretary Dan Glickman. She almost hit his face and smeared his suit with tofu cream. As expected, the incident sparked protests from another radical group, People for the Ethical Treatment of People. The group released a statement saying, "We join the National Rifle Association in condemning this terrible act of violence. We urge all citizens to refrain from any form of pie-throwing."

After hurling the pie at Glickman, Jayaram shouted, "Shame on you for promoting meat." Glickman examined his suit and was visibly disappointed. He was hoping for apple pie.

Meanwhile, PETA, dismayed that Jayaram missed Glickman's face, has decided to send her back to pie-throwing school. Jayaram will practice tossing pies at pictures of unrepenting meat-lovers, including Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and Simba the lion.

In a related move, a clan of starving Ethiopians, plagued by one of the worst droughts in the African country's history, has contacted PETA. "We've killed and eaten all our animals, so you must be really angry with us," one Ethiopian man told PETA. "We deserve to have pies thrown at us. Any pies will do. We especially like meat pies." Added another man: "If any of you Americans plans to waste food, please waste it on us. You can fling it at us, drop it on us, shoot it at us -- we don't care. We'll take pies, cookies and even fruit cake."

PETA staunchly believes that "animals are not ours to eat, wear, experiment on, or use for entertainment." In contrast, I staunchly believe that animals are ours to eat, wear, experiment on, use for entertainment, feature in beer commercials, ride to the park, send to the moon, and train as mascots or replacements for Kathie Lee. But I do not support wanton animal cruelty, which is why I would never force any animal, even a domesticated one, to watch an episode of Jerry Springer.

Animal cruelty is truly an injustice to our four-legged friends. I say this because I have always loved animals, especially when they're on my plate.

PETA recently succeeded in persuading five big retailers to stop buying leather from India, charging that many Indian cows are mistreated before they are slaughtered -- despite their sacred status among Hindus. These are very serious charges indeed. I mean that. When I'm enjoying a thick, juicy burger, I'd hate to think that some cow was treated badly. It would make me feel guilty.

I support some of PETA's causes, though I'd much rather belong to the other PETA (People Enjoying Tasty Animals). These animal activists often go too far. Take, for example, PETA's recent campaign against milk. Mimicking the dairy industry's "Got milk?" ads, PETA produced "Got beer?" and "Got zits?" ads, trying to convince youths that dairy products cause acne and are less healthful than beer. Perhaps PETA should ask itself an important question: "Got drunk?"

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